WHY CAN’T YOU HEAR ME?
By Judith Parker Harris
Block: Being heard.
Buster: Listen and then Repeat, Reframe, Rethink.
A speaker colleague and friend of mine, Ed Rigsbee, recently had this to say about communication road blocks:
“Be clear on what you say, how you say it, and in a way that your partner will completely understand your intended meaning. Hinting is not communicating! Expecting the other “to understand” is not communicating. Expecting your partner to read your mind is also NOT communicating. Communicating is, eyeball to eyeball, using simple and clearly understood language—expressing what’s on your mind with understanding as your intent—not cryptically stinging under your breath.”
These words have special meaning for me as I struggle to communicate with my almost-deaf husband. His hearing has been diminishing for almost three years. Gone are the days of innuendo, funny voices, subtlety, and lots of other conversation makers. Now, we fight for every word. I know he truly wants to understand what I have to say, and I pray for the patience to somehow get my words across.
When I read Ed’s article,
www.rigsbee.com/relationshiproi.htm it occurred to me that most people are conversationally deaf these days. We are more concerned with being heard than hearing and with making a point than understanding. There is so much attitude in our platitudes that the words and meaning are lost.
When I lose my patience and yell at Jack after repeating the same sentence five times for him to hear, he painfully repeats, “I can hear you! Loud doesn’t help. I just don’t understand you.” His hearing loss scrambles words and leaves sentences completely meaningless.
I contend that we have a worldwide hearing problem. Our anger, impatience, distrust, egocentrism, protectiveness and sense of entitlement and danger scrambles our words and leaves our sentences completely meaningless. It might just as well be blahbidy, blahbidy, blah that’s coming out of our mouths.
So, how do we unscramble our communication?
First, we have to get the other party’s attention. Not by screaming. I find a gentle hand on the forearm works, or a kind, “Honey, can you understand me,” to give Jack time to focus. In front of a huge audience with a microphone in hand – stand, breathe, make eye contact, take in their energy and give them some of yours – then quietly, powerfully say what you have to say. Whatever you do, don’t scream. That gives your audience permission not to listen.
2nd: You have to think about what you really want to say. What is your intent? What will most concisely and clearly get your point across.
3rd. Make eye contact and see if your words are even being absorbed by the receiving party. Maintain eye contact until you sense the block and proceed to bust through it by restating, rewording, or rethinking what you have to say.
4th: Listen and look. What body language are you perceiving? Check for non-verbal cues. Wait until you are sure your intention has been absorbed before proceeding, because only then will you know whether to repeat, reframe or rethink.
5th: Remember, as Ed said, “Communicating is, eyeball to eyeball, using simple and clearly understood language—expressing what’s on your mind with understanding as to your intent…”
There is a universal language – the language of caring and that comes with questions: Are you OK? Do you understand what I’m saying? Tell me what you are thinking and feeling about what you heard? If there’s a difference please let me know. Is there a way we can come together on this?
Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
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