Stop Trying To Fix What Isn’t Broken
By Judith Parker Harris | February 22, 2010
Block: Embrace and fix
Buster: Acknowledge and Understand
In my business, I find that practically every client shares one trait, they feel overwhelmed and anxious. These feelings sometimes lead to anger and beneath that anger is fear. Now, I have a confession to make. I, too, feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I teach my clients to drill down to find the source of the anxiety. We do that by looking at blocks, perceptions of other people, disappointments, losses, and the various stories in their lives. Recently, however, I was taken to the source of my own anxiety faster than I ever thought possible.
I was at a prestigious women’s luncheon, in which successful women in media come together to brainstorm solutions for our times. I had just shared about helping women visiting the United States from 7 middle Eastern countries to find commonality with each other and with American women by talking about their favorite movies. I also spoke about the importance of learning to listen carefully to what lies beneath the words people speak.
Suddenly I was asked a question: What do you wish you had done differently in your career up until now? I found myself saying, “I have always felt an overwhelming need to embrace and fix the problems of people around me.” Another woman asked pointedly, “When what you could be doing is simply acknowledging and understanding?”
I thought about that and a light bulb went on in my head. It’s when you want to embrace and fix everything that anxiety becomes overwhelming. To a certain degree, President Obama wants to embrace and fix everything and the entire nation is anxious.
It takes time, but acknowledging and understanding is far more comprehensive. Acknowledging allows you to take a person and perhaps a problem they are presenting in to your consciousness without criticism, judgment, blame You simply acknowledge and sit with it for awhile without taking responsibility.
Understanding allows you to look at the challenge or complication from all sides to see where you might be able to help, lead, guide, share experience, or perhaps simply console or empathize. When the big burden of embracing and fixing is removed, freedom is found to fit in where needed and then move on – or stay if you see another area in which you fit.
It helps to look at what lies beneath the word “fix,” and that is the assumption that something is broken. The truth is that what you are struggling to fix may not be broken at all, it’s just suffering a growing pain. The assumption of broken sets up a polarization of “You are broken, I am not,” “You need fixing, I don’t.” “You are wrong, I am right.” Like a plant needing water, minerals and sunlight, it just needs nurturing, care and the benefit of someone else’s light to see how to take the next step. Beware, however, that step may be taken differently than you would take it, because it’s their movie not yours.
The magical difference is that acknowledging and understanding is by choice not obligation – by connection not usurpation. And the irony of it is, something may be fixed in the process – in a whole new way than you would ever expect.
Topics: Blogs | 2 Comments »
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Thank you for two wonderful insights: In our desire to help someone, it is difficult to remember that the other person is the rightful master of his/her own life. By recognizing that, sometimes we can be of the greatest assistance by just being empathically present and lending support as they figure out their own best course of action. Also, thank you for the anxiety-reducing reminder to pick and choose priorities, rather than trying to take on everything at once!
February 24th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Judith,
Amazing topic. Only yesterday in a coaching class we were talking about the power of acknowledgement and the ability to be comfortable in the silent space with others (rather than filling the space with words). We as humans do way too much “fixing” and not enough listening. We have started wars because we went to “fix” another country. Fising others can become an addiction, as well. I work with Co-Dependency in the workplace. A working definition of Co-Dependency by Sarah Wheeler, CADC II, is “Caretaking others as a way to make myself fell better and being committed to that self-abandoning care taking rather than working to meet my needs”. People need to be inter-dependent, and as a culture we have become dysfunctionally Co-Dependent, and I see the symptoms every day in government, the media, and in every industry. Thanks for this great post!