WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS YARDSTICK?
By Judith Parker Harris
Block: Happiness – would you recognize it if it hit you in the face?
Buster: Wake up with a happy thought and see how long you can keep it going.
How many times a day do you ask, “Am I happy?” “Are you happy?” Did I please you with the job I did?” “What’s it all about…happiness?”
I, like you, work on being happy and making other’s happy. I will share with you the things I know for sure:
1) Most importantly, you must have a purpose. There can be a main purpose, like the Golden Rule accompanied by constantly achieved purposes – graduate from college, marry my soul mate, buy a beautiful house, use my gifts to enrich others’ lives.
2) You also need to know what you think is blocking you from being happy so that you can Bust the Block. What thought or emotion keeps you in a “poor me,” or “almost there,” state of mind. How can you eliminate or rescript that block by taking a positive action that puts you in the driver’s seat to create and hold on to happiness in your life?
3) Realize that your most precious resources are your time, talent and energy. How do you divide those precious resources between the 12 key life areas: Work, Money, Love/Spousal Relationships, Friendships, Community, Environment (home and office), Family of Origin (birth family), Current family, Parenthood, Play, Health, Spiritual/Religion? Just as we’re learning (the hard way) that we cannot squander the resources nature has to give us, we also cannot squander our own resources. Respected and properly balanced, our personal resources can yield a beautiful lifetime.
4) Constantly build and nurture the cultures in which you live and work. Your family, neighborhood, workplace, church, charities, friends – they all have their culture. What do you want to build into the cultures in which you participate? What do you want to add – to be known for?
5) How do you measure up? I know that through the first 17 years of my adult life, when a new man would enter, so would a new me. However, I was giving away my value and sense of self. I had to learn to make sure my actions were based on personal, motivations, not world, social and peer pressure. We all need to choose the yardstick by which our lives will be measured and judged and learn to follow those values and ideals. Call it morality, ethics, kindness, a sense of right and wrong…What behavior enables you to look back on a day and say, “That was well lived.”
We have many interactions in a lifetime, from small to large, but it’s not the size that determines the happiness, it’s each person’s definition of Health-Esteem. What makes you “worth” being healthy – and happy? Answer that, and your happiness decisions will come much more easily.
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ON MEMORIAL DAY – HOW SOLDIERS FIND THEIR ZERO POINT
By Judith Parker Harris
This Memorial Day, I am reminded of Mark Learner, a Viet Nam veteran I met about 15 years ago when I was doing a series of interviews with people living with various stages of Multiple Sclerosis. Mark had just turned 30 when he was diagnosed with progressive MS. Eighty percent blind and numb over most of his body,
Mark says MS put him on the most intense spiritual journey he could imagine. The day of the interview marked 12 years that Mark had not only lived with MS, but also started two corporations, written three books and spent most of his days counseling people with serious illnesses and handicaps. I share a bit of that interview with you today:
Mark’s years fighting in Viet Nam taught him to feel the intensity of living in the moment. He stopped believing in logical thinking and found a way to get past the ego-based reality of most human beings by going beyond thoughts to a place he calls the zero point. He values life — not thought. Mark helps people create habits so they don’t have to think.
Mark then led me through a positive/negative self-image exercise that I still use with my clients today. He asked me to think of the worst thing that ever happened to me and to capture the experience in a word. I thought PANIC. Mark had me imagine the physical sensations of panic and give the self that felt that way a name — I chose “Ditzel.”
Next, Mark led me to do the opposite. I concentrated on the best thing that had happened to me and feelings related to that. I thought of EUPHORIA, imagined feeling a blissful peace, and named the self with those feelings “Darling.”
Mark taught me how to automatically connect to Darling, my positive self, by feeling the pulse on the side of my neck and repeating, “I am darling…” According to Mark, by doing that nightly before going to sleep, while concentrating on images of myself when I felt “darling,” my positive responses would become automatic. Mark’s names for his negative and zero point selves were “Terrible” and “Great.”
Mark explained that a reality of life is that when you’re faced with death, your ego (your thoughts) becomes insignificant
“The Vets know what I mean,” Mark said, “Where life is more important than any thought. It’s the zero point. If you return importance to your zero point, you can trust yourself and connect to your resources.
It’s the wisdom of the body without the film of the mind.
If a combat vet comes from a dysfunctional family, he doesn’t see the family film the instant a shot is fired. He sees the zero point and connects to the best he or she has to give.”
It is with the deepest respect for our Veterans who have given their lives and for those who face the shots and the zero point every day that I say thank you for your bravery and willingness to give the ultimate sacrifice.
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Schwarzenegger Epitomizes Lost Love Villain
By Judith Parker Harris
“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love.”
Mother Theresa
I found this quote in the program for a charity luncheon I attended last week, benefiting TEEN LINE, a teen-to-teen hotline and outreach program affiliated with Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
The luncheon proved to be the last time Maria Shriver, Arnold Schwarzenegger and oldest daughter Katherine were together without the black cloud of “separation shame, cheater, father to an illegitimate son, disgraced wife” ripped through their lives. Then the saturation news coverage began, all Schwarzenegger Scandal all the time, blah-blah-blah. Add to that TV’s drama fictionalizing the reality of guilty male politician shaming “The Good Wife.”
As the world watches the Schwarzenegger meltdown, I have been simultaneously coaching several 30-45-year-old men who are attempting to love deeply – even to the point of commitment after failed relationships. But, guess what? They don’t know how. One man contemplating breaking out of a 4-year relationship wants to line up at least 3 new relationship possibilities before jumping out of his “safe” one. Another, already separated, wants to run back, but not really, as he struggles over the impact his leaving has had on his 3 kids. Both admit they are not sure what love is.
So, the question is, what lessons are we teaching our children about lasting love? Do we teach love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love?" No, we teach love until you get an “owie,” then run. Do we teach “work on it, don’t give up, nurture the one you love?” No, far too often, we espouse, “When the going gets tough, get out.” Do we teach to “Deny ourselves temptation,” or do we rationalize human weakness and rally around second chances? One female client after another comes to me crying about men who lack a sense of responsibility, who are commitment-phobic, with no sense of trust, and who have very little connection to even a basic sense of right and wrong.
What’s the problem? FEAR! Frightened people need to yell before they are yelled at, bully before they are revealed, stop loving before they are hurt and run before they are caught. They have a giant hole inside that is filled with MORE – more money, more sex, more highs, more attention, more power.
Ironically, the power they seek by gorging on more, different and new in the “grass is greener” unconscious mode, leaves them empty of the fuel of life, and that fuel is LOVE – of themselves, their lives and the people with whom they connect.
Arnold is the epitome of the “LOST LOVE” Villain. If he had filled up with love, there would have been no room for the fear that fills his life and threatens the happiness of those he “governed.”
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Missing Mom on Mother’s Day
By Judith Parker Harris
My mother died 8 years ago. I miss her every day. This is a poem that came to me months after she passed. I share it with you– friends, family and BlockBusters.
WHEN YOUR MOTHER PASSES
By Judith Parker Harris
You hold her hand impossibly tight,
Listening, listening, with all of your might,
You want to hear, just once more for you,
“I love you, and I’m proud of all that you do.
Instead, she struggles for each last breath,
Her eyes closed tight – her body near death.
You want to hold her, but you’re afraid she’ll break,
How can she leave you? So much of you she’ll take.
You wait for a signal – some kind of sign,
That she’ll be all right for the rest of time.
You know she needs approval from you,
That it’s all right to go away from view.
Her breath grows more labored,
You wonder what to do.
Who will tell you, “I’m so proud of you.”
Who will remember from day one?
Where will your memories go, when her life is done?
The hour is near, she’s grown so tired.
She did her job – she served her time.
She needs to know it’s her last day.
She needs to know that you’ll be okay.
It’s so hard, you take a break.
The day is still, your body does ache.
You sit down next to the open door,
The curtains blow – you’re alone no more.
The angels have come to take her away.
“I know you’re here, talk to me,” you say.
Her breathing changes – soft as a baby.
Is it Daddy or Grandma she sees? Well, maybe.
You grab her hand and know it’s time.
The words must come – the words sublime.
I’ll be okay, Mom, it’s okay to go,
You’ll always be with me – I love you so.
Within seconds your dear mother breathes no more,
Her body is there, but her spirit does soar.
Her soul has moved on and you’re all alone,
“Mom is gone,” you cry, “now she’ll never phone.”
You do the right thing to see her off to eternity,
The proper casket, ceremony and serendipity.
Your body’s empty, you have no heart,
Your mother’s gone – She bore your start.
How can you live without the womb,
That was your first and most loving room?
Where is the meaning when Mom is dead?
Who will you try to make happy instead?
Days and months pass by like sand,
You cry and cry and search the land.
Who will love you unconditionally?
“No one,” you say, “Its up to me.”
Now you can do it because Mom’s moved in,
She lives in your heart where she’s Mother Hen.
You’ll never be lonely – you’re living for two,
Moms never leave, they just become you.
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ARE THE VILLAINS RUNNING OUR GOVERNMENT?
By Judith Parker Harris
Block: Us vs. Them
Buster: Common Ground and Core Values
A shut down of the Federal Government was barely averted on Friday night, April 8th, and the discourse was painful to watch as it was full of anger, malice, creative use of statistics, untruths, gross exaggerations, bullying and dirty game playing. A recent report by Justin Grimmer of Stanford and Gary King of Harvard found that American senators devote 27% of their press releases to “partisan taunts” rather than substance” In other words, as the New York Times concludes, “we’re being governed by self-absorbed, reckless children.” I, of course, prefer to say we’re being governed by our villains.
Our Saboteur villain threatens worst case scenarios if the other side gets their way. The Saboteur also throws around “inflammatory,” even “explosive words, phrases and threats such as Abortion (pro or con), Government Shut Down, the end of Medicare and Medicaid… all because the “other” side can’t be trusted. Trust is the antidote to this villain.
The Pirate Bandit Villain wants to steal all of the cards. They believe they must win it all, that their side is the only “right” side, that everyone who isn’t on their side is wrong – even evil. Compromise and sharing put the pirate in his place.
The Killer Villain goes for the worst-case scenario, cutting us off from all hope. Fear reigns supreme, for instance, floating the belief that no good can come from President Obama’s Health-Care Program. Kill the Killer by saying “no” to fear and joining the quest to find what will work.
The Mugger/Rapist Villain distorts the truth and attacks you for your core beliefs. Distortion: How could you allow funding for Planned Parenthood when they kill babies? Actuality: The funding for Planned Parenthood was for family planning and NOT abortion at all.
The Lost Love Villain takes away our love of the American Dream as we surely will not be the world leader anymore if (blank) happens. The Terrorists will get us, the wars will be lost, bankruptcy will be just around the corner. Choose love over fear and this villain vaporizes.
The Monster/Force of Nature/Alien Villain is everywhere. The monster is the other party. Refuse to be victimized. Stand up to the other side and observe – they are human beings, too. The only super human power comes in healing our differences.
The Sorceress Villain traps us into inaction behind the word IF. If you add these 34 special interests to the budget then we’ll approve it. If you give me “X” then I’ll give you “Y”. Stay in what is true, what is, and what is present. Don’t wait for “if” or you will miss the ever-evolving solution.
How do we silence these villains? I say Ladies and Gentleman of the Congress, leave your villains and the horses they rode in on outside the saloon and walk in willing to communicate – not fight, not name call, not bully — communicate.
What would happen if every single senator had to answer the hero’s question?
I would do anything to agree upon a sound Federal Budget that curbs government spending and rescues the economy, just don’t ask me to
___________________________________________.
Because, that’s just not me.
Oh, yes, it needs to be you. We all are going to have to sacrifice what we think we can’t to come together as a healed country. It’s not one side or the other who has to sacrifice, it’s everyone in “our” country looking to find common ground, unity and pride of a citizenry that defines politics not as usual, but as needed.
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An Earthquake in Japan Sends Tremors Through Us All
By Judith Parker Harris
If we needed a reminder that the world is a global village, it was shaken into us on March 11, 2011 when a 9.0 horrific earthquake hit Japan. We watched, and felt hopeless at the lack of our ability to help as Japan, best prepared, technologically to handle such a disaster, crumbled in the grip of nature’s force. We counted down the hours, only eight, until the tsunami hit California’s coastline. We could not look away from a “real” reality show that impacts us all.
We also could not help but ask, “What if it was me?” And the answer is – in a way it is you, we are all in it together and we are all one. Damage to oil refineries is impacting recession recovery in the United States. Lessons learned from this Huge Pacific Disaster will be grabbed up and utilized by everyone in an Earthquake zone. Damage to Japan’s nuclear power plants is causing worldwide scrutiny regarding the safety of nuclear power. Business being done with Japan is slowing down as we change focus to help the victims survive. On a micro-level, my husband and I are doing business in Japan relating to his movie library. We quickly sat down and sent an email to our new “friends,” to make sure they were safe. They are safe, but not without personal loss.
Strangers held each other on the streets of Tokyo. In my yoga class we focused our meditation on the survivors and the victims.
What if it was me? It is you, and it is me. We have no idea what nature will do next. One thing we can be sure of, however, the best way to handle whatever comes along is to help each other and to have a plan. We spend way too much of our lifetimes pitting ourselves against each other and finding reasons to be “us” vs. “them, when really we are the same. We vilify each other. When faced with true life and death danger, a monster beyond our imaginations, we do the same things. We run for safety, for shelter, for help. We bleed the same. We need food and water, we need a structure to keep us safe from the elements, and we need human contact and care. The manmade disasters throughout the world – all of the wars – do we need to manufacture those when there are so many natural disasters to overcome and so many reasons to unite and help each other survive?
Earthquakes, fires, tornados, hurricanes and tsunamis do not care about your religion, ethnicity, politics, sexual preferences or your financial standing. We are like tiny, little ants in the face of what nature can bring. We fall through the cracks, we wash out to sea, we are trampled by the footprint of floods, fires, and earth-shaking fury. Was what we were fighting about before the earthquake so important? Or, is it more important to work together to save each other before the next natural disaster? And, here’s an idea – why not take all the energy we use to fight each other and invest it in finding a cure for what ails us? I predict heroic results.
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