SPRING CLEANING
By Judith Parker Harris | April 3, 2010
Block: Stuck in the feeling that something’s missing in your life?
Buster: Renew your passion; Define it, feel it and take action.
Why are we so in love with Springtime? Could it be because the air is fresh, the sky sparkling blue, the wildflowers vibrant and everything around us looks new again? How wonderful it would be to feel that way about our lives. To look at a loved one as if for the first time. To find renewed energy and passion for our life’s work. To re-discover what attracted us to our best friends. To look in the mirror and see a face and body without age, without worry and with eternal beauty, vibrancy and peace.
Unfortunately, it’s possible to get so stuck somewhere in our lives that we forget how to put spring back into our hearts. I want you to discover springtime internally and allow it to wash your lives with the freshness of a spring shower. Once you discover your internal spring, you can tune into it year round.
A wonderful place to start is in your closet because, if you’re like many of us, inside your closet you will find a representation of every age, stage, phase and size of you. You can even find out what’s missing in your life, because the associated clothing will not be there. Throw out things you haven’t touched in one year. Make a section for out-of-date clothes and see if they can be updated. If not, get rid of them. Make another section for clothes that you are simply hanging onto for sentimental reasons: First date with the love of your life, first time you weighed your absolute drop-dead gorgeous weight, If you’re not going to wear them again, get rid of them and make room for more firsts. We’re often holding onto a lot of emotional baggage in our closets. Clean out that troublesome closet, and you’ll make room in your life for all sorts of new people, experiences and activities.
The closet is a great metaphor for cleaning out the thinking and emotional patterns that are cluttering up your life. Are you trying to get back to a time, a feeling, or even a memory of yourself that probably doesn’t apply anymore?
There are a lot of feelings attached to old, negative thoughts and behaviors. When you want to clean out the closet of old thoughts and emotions, you need to write a new script. For instance:
Old thought: I’m incapable of starting my own business.
Old feeling: I’m unworthy. I’m less valuable than others. I’m not as important.
New Script: I am ready and capable of starting a wonderfully successful business.
New Feeling: I feel joy in my new endeavor. I am valuable, talented, recognized and appreciated.
Every time you feel drawn back by a negative thought, switch your thinking to your new script and feel the feelings you have attached to the script. Attaching a feeling to your thought gives it power and puts it into action. The opposite is true when you’re clearing out the negative. You must detach the feeling from the negative thought and sweep both into the garbage. Your new scripts will become your eternal Spring.
Make a clean sweep this Spring and enjoy the power of living in your actualized desires.
Take a thinking and feeling inventory.
What thoughts do you no longer desire to have?
List 1: Rewrite the unwanted thoughts into positives that work for you now and throw out or burn the old list.
What feelings do you no longer desire to feel?
List 2: Acknowledge the feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Then release those feelings through a breathing exercise. For instance, exhale the bad feelings, then inhale and replace them with an opposite, more positive feeling.
What fears are you holding onto?
List 3: Date this list and then fold it up and put it away into a “doubt box.” Let the fear and doubt go as you make a conscious choice to release it to the box and not think about it anymore.
What anger still remains in your system?
List 4: Get the anger out. You can do so either through exercise, shouting, or by writing an anger letter that you do not send. Then forgive and move on. Don’t ever hold onto anger.
Now take out another sheet of paper and make a list of your desires. Look at your four thinking and feeling inventories. Are there any things on the old negative lists that you can rewrite into positive desires? If you have completed the 4 steps listed above and have cleaned out negative thoughts and feelings, you have done your Spring cleaning. Congratulations! You’re now ready to live your life based on the desires you have listed in your journal. Make it happen!
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SMILING ADDS YEARS TO YOUR LIFE
By Judith Parker Harris | March 29, 2010
Block: Feeling low.
Buster: Smile!
“People who smile a lot are usually happier, have more stable personalities, more stable marriages, better cognitive skills and better interpersonal skills,” according to research recently conducted at Wayne State University, reports LA Times Reporter, Shari Roan. They also live from 1 to 5 years longer dependent on the size and sincerity of their smiles.
I find this to be extremely wonderful news as I sport a big wide smile across my face the majority of the time. My smile has Julia Roberts wattage and Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Richards character) sincerity. Remember the show theme song? “She could turn the world on with her smile. She could take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.”
Only once in my life has my smile worked against me. I was running for Student Body Vice President in High School and the night before the election my opponent, plastered this note across all of my posters. “How can anyone who smiles all the time be trusted?” I was devastated, because I temporarily bought into his attack on my self-confidence.
Now years later, I put on my smile each day with as much thought and gratitude as I put into selecting my clothes for the day and doing my hair. It’s all part of putting the “me” together who’s ready to face the world as a contributing member of the population.
Think about it – a smile can say so many things:
“Thank you for sharing.”
“I’d love to spend more time with you, but I have to wash my hair.”
I love you even though I don’t agree with everything you say.”
“Isn’t it nice that we share this planet and can each contribute our own thoughts and deeds?”
“You may never know exactly what I’m thinking, but my heart reaches out to you anyway.”
“Let’s meet somewhere in the middle.”
“I love you. I don’t like some of what I hear, but I’m willing to listen.”
Let’s stay on that last thought for a moment. I have blogged a lot about what I call the United States of Anger. I’m so ready for all the shouting, insulting, fear-mongering hate speech to end. So my answer to hate speech today is this – DO NOT believe all that you hear and DO NOT say all that you think. That’s where the smile comes in. I delete hateful emails, fast forward through hateful news stories, and I try to stop speaking before mindlessly voicing some of the “hateful” comments that live inside of me.
We all have them. They are comments that are born from fear and from the imprints of all the experiences of our years and from all the lessons left behind on our psyches, both good and bad, from our teachers, preachers, pundits and peers.
Just imagine a world where we all live more in our hearts and less in our heads. Suddenly the noise level is not so deafening and the healing level is a force to be embraced. It takes time to sift through the garbage of our back stories to get to our truth, and while we’re thinking (silently) we might as well smile.
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Delay and Denial Are Bad for your Health
By Judith Parker Harris | March 27, 2010
Block: Delay
Buster: Action
Would you like to know the one thing that keeps you from getting what you want out of life? Drum roll, please. Not taking action to make it happen. C. Northcote Parkinson says, “Delay is the deadliest form of denial.” Why deny yourself the things you most want by delaying necessary actions to make them happen? Here’s how the denial game goes. (Actual comments from composite clients)
Client: “I’m 67 years old, I’m too old to start a new business.”
Comment: Why deny yourself the success you can have at 67 just because you didn’t have at it 37? Don’t delay yourself out of a second chance.
Client: ” I’ve invested everything in being an attorney, and now I’m stuck in a profession I hate that stifles my dreams.”
Comment: Really? Is it either/or? Why deny yourself a dream and delay taking action because your stuck in a profession you don’t like? Believe me, the knowledge you’ve gained will come in handy in your new direction.
Client:” I’ll lose weight after I’ve taken care of all my medical appointments, after I’ve gotten a new job, after I clean the clutter out of my life, after the holidays, after my friend’s birthday…”
Comment: Why deny yourself the health, the opportunities, the enjoyment and the freedom of weight loss by delaying what must come first?
Client: “I’ve fallen in love with an older man, but I’m afraid to marry him because he’ll die so much sooner than I will.”
Comment: Why deny yourself what could be the 10 happiest years of your life because you are afraid of the future. You could delay yourself into a loveless present.
Note: The last example was me and I have shared 22, and still counting, of the happiest years of my life with that wonderful older man.
The secret to the BLOCKED TO BLOCKBUSTER process is to set an intention, define what you feel is blocking you and then create a strategy or plan to bust the block and achieve your intention. Life is a series of choices from the time you wake up in the morning. The first choice is to choose to be happy. That’s a wonderful way to set in motion a day’s worth of rewarding, conscious decisions.
Don’t delay like Scarlett O’Hara and “think about it tomorrow.” Take action now. Make those choices now.
When I read THE SECRET, I had a problem with the book. I love the intention of the book, but I feel that visualizing and concentrating on what you want is not enough to make it happen. I do not feel the book stressed enough the importance of ACTIONS. Don’t delay by hoping and dreaming. Take action now to get what you want out of life.
Our country is in a horrible state of delay and denial over healthcare. Torn down the middle, one side of our country got what it wanted with the healthcare bill and one side of our country didn’t. That side is hoping to delay progress until the midterm elections and then deny that the bill ever happened by initiating repeal.
I know this is going to sound terribly naive, but whatever happened to the moderate middle? You know, all the people who live by our mother’s advice, “Everything in moderation.”
Why can’t we come together in the middle and stop denying the need, stop delaying the action and start creating the way for every American to have healthcare in a way that will be Healthy for every other part of our country? Delay and denial fueled by anger and fear is simply bad for everyone’s health and success.
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What If There’s An Earthquake in the Middle of My Surgery?
By Judith Parker Harris | March 1, 2010
What If There’s An Earthquake in the Middle of My Surgery?
Block: Anxiety
Buster: Excitement
I’m going in for a little “corrective” surgery tomorrow morning, and while it’s a safe procedure that I want to do, I found myself slogging through a worry pit of my own making this weekend. My poor husband had to put up with questions like this: “What if there’s an earthquake in the middle of my surgery?” What could he say? He just looked at me with a smile on his face that conveyed his amusement mixed with love and assurance.
And, who wouldn’t be amused? The very question show’s the audacity of thinking that I’m so much in the center of the world that an earthquake would follow me into surgery? But, that’s another topic isn’t it? Getting over thinking we are the center of the universe and realizing we’re simply part of an interconnected chain link fence that somehow holds things together.
Just last Friday, at a luncheon and book signing for Dani Shapiro’s recently released memoir, Devotion, I learned a new word that sums up my worry tendency. It’s a Yiddish word, Zorg, which means to create unnecessary anguish. The word makes me laugh when I say it, as I look back on the hours, days, months and, yes, years I have wasted zorging.
We have a choice, you see. My husband tells me that all the time. We can open our hearts to the joy and wonder of each new day, or we can fill the day with a thousand zorgs that will rob us of time, create anxiety and most likely will never happen. (With “most likely,” I left a little opening for a zorg to happen. Gotta stop that.)
So, today, as I prepare for my little procedure, I’m going to wish my surgeon a relaxed and blessed day, bask in the gratitude that I have for my wonderful life filled with friends, family, opportunities and incredible experiences, and every time I start to zorg, I’m going to ask myself, “Is this anything that I can do something about?” If so, I’ll do it. If not, I’ll bust through anxiety with excitement and embrace the day and my life with gratitude and love. I’ll do my part to stay connected to life’s chain link fence and be thankful for those who are supporting me on either side.
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Stop Trying To Fix What Isn’t Broken
By Judith Parker Harris | February 22, 2010
Block: Embrace and fix
Buster: Acknowledge and Understand
In my business, I find that practically every client shares one trait, they feel overwhelmed and anxious. These feelings sometimes lead to anger and beneath that anger is fear. Now, I have a confession to make. I, too, feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I teach my clients to drill down to find the source of the anxiety. We do that by looking at blocks, perceptions of other people, disappointments, losses, and the various stories in their lives. Recently, however, I was taken to the source of my own anxiety faster than I ever thought possible.
I was at a prestigious women’s luncheon, in which successful women in media come together to brainstorm solutions for our times. I had just shared about helping women visiting the United States from 7 middle Eastern countries to find commonality with each other and with American women by talking about their favorite movies. I also spoke about the importance of learning to listen carefully to what lies beneath the words people speak.
Suddenly I was asked a question: What do you wish you had done differently in your career up until now? I found myself saying, “I have always felt an overwhelming need to embrace and fix the problems of people around me.” Another woman asked pointedly, “When what you could be doing is simply acknowledging and understanding?”
I thought about that and a light bulb went on in my head. It’s when you want to embrace and fix everything that anxiety becomes overwhelming. To a certain degree, President Obama wants to embrace and fix everything and the entire nation is anxious.
It takes time, but acknowledging and understanding is far more comprehensive. Acknowledging allows you to take a person and perhaps a problem they are presenting in to your consciousness without criticism, judgment, blame You simply acknowledge and sit with it for awhile without taking responsibility.
Understanding allows you to look at the challenge or complication from all sides to see where you might be able to help, lead, guide, share experience, or perhaps simply console or empathize. When the big burden of embracing and fixing is removed, freedom is found to fit in where needed and then move on – or stay if you see another area in which you fit.
It helps to look at what lies beneath the word “fix,” and that is the assumption that something is broken. The truth is that what you are struggling to fix may not be broken at all, it’s just suffering a growing pain. The assumption of broken sets up a polarization of “You are broken, I am not,” “You need fixing, I don’t.” “You are wrong, I am right.” Like a plant needing water, minerals and sunlight, it just needs nurturing, care and the benefit of someone else’s light to see how to take the next step. Beware, however, that step may be taken differently than you would take it, because it’s their movie not yours.
The magical difference is that acknowledging and understanding is by choice not obligation – by connection not usurpation. And the irony of it is, something may be fixed in the process – in a whole new way than you would ever expect.
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Play Valentine’s Day Forward
By Judith Parker Harris | February 14, 2010
Block: The perfect Valentine’s Day
Buster: Put the heart into every day.
My husband, Jack, and I love Valentine’s Day. We have celebrated 23 of them together and each one has been grand. He showers me with flowers, cards, and a sparkly gift and I shower him with candy, cards and some mushy, little gift. We have a glorious brunch if it’s Sunday like today, or an extravagant dinner most any other day of the week. We toast and we remember our other beautiful Valentine’s days.
This year comes after Jack has been very ill, thus this year we are extra grateful. In fact, at Brunch an ambulance came to take away a stricken diner and I know we both were thankful the ride wasn’t for us. How many more Valentine’s days do we have? How many more perfect days?
And, there is the real question and sometimes the problem. Sometimes we put so much worry into making it the perfect day that we forget to just notice the day. Instead we are knocked off course by any number of little things that can go wrong to disturb our perfect day. We didn’t get the right waiter, the table wobbled, motorcyclists disturbed the quiet, he or she didn’t say the right thing, maybe we should have gone to __________ instead. All of these saboteur thoughts and nuisances can ruin a perfect day as they distract us into the “I can’t” part of our brains.
But, what if it’s not a perfect day. What if it’s the “best day you can possibly make it day?” It’s just a slight brain twist. When it’s “the best you can make it day,” you have a choice about all the things that could take you off track. You can decide not to notice, to make the best of it, to incorporate it into your day, to discuss it, to relish surprises, to work it into your day, to laugh it off, to stay focused, and that’s just a few of the possible choices.
When I was in my early 20’s, I had a perfect day and I stopped my companion and simply said, “snapshot.” He asked, “What?” And, I said, I’m taking a mental snapshot so I remember this day always. I then found myself looking for perfect moments to snapshot. But, instead of more, I had fewer mental snapshots because I was waiting for “perfect.”
Today, I feel that my 23 Valentines Days with Jack have been the best we could possibly make them, and that is absolutely fabulous. Today, I am reminded to do that every day – to put the “special” way we treat each other on Valentines into every single day. The roses, and candy and gifts are very nice, but the absolute essential is saying “I love you,” and also saying something else really nice –noticing something you’ve taken for granted, being conscious of the couple and what it means to be together, taking in the other’s needs and expectations, stopping to SEE each other as if for the first time again. The search for perfection can keep you from seeing and enjoying the moment. The buster is to put the heart into every day and to be conscious of and receptive to those you love.
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