Move From Blocked to Blockbuster
By Judith Parker Harris | July 27, 2009
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If you could improve one skill that would impact every area of your life would you do it? Now, what do you think that skill would be? I’ll give you a hint. It’s something we do with ourselves. It’s also something we do with other people. And, finally, it’s something other people do about us when we leave the room. The skill is conversation – and more generally, communication.
We are constantly engaged in conversations, whether silent, or spoken out loud. Conversations come in endless varieties, business, personal, gossip, sales, political, sexual, friendly, combative, scholarly, playful, serious, paternal, platonic and self-talk. We pitch, persuade, pontificate, plead, and placate, In short, our lives are made up of conversations. The success of those conversations most often determines whether we get what we want out of life. Unfortunately, many times we are unknowingly blocked from our own motivations, desires and goals when we speak. In other words, someone else’s programming comes out of our mouths and we walk away wondering why, once again, we didn’t get what we want.
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why can’t they just say what they mean?” Or for that matter, “Why can’t I just say what I mean?”
The answer is, “YOU’RE BLOCKED.” By blocked, I mean stuck in habits, patterns or routines you would like to change. These can even be habits, patterns and routines of which you’re unaware, including unexpressed emotions that are sabotaging you. Some people are so blocked that they are continuously acting out other people’s perceptions and expectations of what they should be doing and saying.
What can be done about this? You can make the decision to break free of the thoughts and emotions that fuel those habits, patterns and
routines. In a four-step process you can block-bust your way to your own truth, find your own words and make conversations work for you.
The first step is to Change the script of your life or any part of the script you are not happy with. Sometimes it can be quite horrifying to listen to some of the words, complaints, excuses, whines and thoughts that come out of our mouths. Many times the words don’t even sound like us. To begin changing your own script you need to do two things:
1) Discover where your thoughts and emotions come from and to whom they belong.
2) Change outdated, inherited or absorbed patterns of acting and reacting to life events that are no longer working.
One interesting exercise is to try to identify self-sabotaging voices in your head such as:
“They have more experience than me.”
“No one ever listens to me.”
“There is just not enough time…money…breaks, roles, good scripts…”
“I’m too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too tall, too short…”
Once you have identified your own saboteur voices — say them out loud with the emotion they make you feel. Then try to identify where that voice came from or who taught you to think that way. Could it be a relative, an agent, a producer, a director, a friend, a peer??? Once you know it’s someone else’s thinking, you can let it go. Release others’ false and faulty perceptions of who you are and replace them with your own sense of purpose, peace and pleasure that brings you joy. Make sure that your talk matches the way you think and feel – that every sentence reverberates from your truth, not someone else’s.
The second step is to confront and conquer the villains in your life. When you begin to define patterns, habits and routines in your speaking that you’d like to change, it helps to put a name and face to them. Here are some common communication villains:
The saboteur is a chain complainer planting doubts and questions in your mind. Instead of being able to stay present in a conversation, you are pulled into a chain of whines, complaints, doubts and questions.
The Bandit steals your ability to own or be responsible for your ideas and actions. If you give away your conversation power to someone else, you have no position.
The mugger makes it not ok to be who you are sexually. A need to cover who you are sexually finds conversation masked with layers of protection, subterfuge and role and game playing.
The killer murders your joy and self-confidence. This conversation killer finds you speaking without passion – separated from your own heart power.
The monster confronts you with forces beyond your control. Monsters leave you speechless, hopeless and helpless. Why try?
The Lost Love makes you question your ability to ever love again. People with low self-confidence and esteem find it difficult to voice their dreams and stand up for themselves.
The Sorceress traps you in a fantasy world of “What ifs” “If onlys” and Happily every after “ifs.” It’s hard to get to the point if you’re constantly waiting for the perfect if, and or but to happen before you get there.
Name your conversation villain. Put a face to it. Then the next time your palms begin to sweat and your stomach turns over, you can say to your monster, “I’m taking over the talking this time. I’m not listening to you anymore. There’s not room in my conversation for the both of us.”
The third step is to call forth your own motivation. Always be clear about what you want out of a conversation. Make sure that you have clearly stated your desires, and that the other party has, in fact, understood what you are saying.
The fourth step is to create multi-level conversations and ENJOY them. Broaden your horizons, speak what you feel, don’t limit yourself. Now that you are your own script writer, share your prose with as many people as possible and enjoy where open communication and negotiations can take you. Always be ready to plot your next action. When taking a new step or action with a person, event, task or job ask yourself a few questions before you speak. Does this action fit into my new script? Are all the villains’ voices silenced? Does it match my motivation? Then proceed with words that express what you really want to say.
Remember, conversation makes the world go round. Make sure you know what lies beneath the conversations that build your world, and you will move from BLOCKED TO BLOCKBUSTER..
Judith Parker Harris is a producer/director of over 3,000 TV commercials and several film projects and the author of three books. Judith uses movie analogies and personal experience of becoming and remaining symptom-free from Multiple Sclerosis since 1990 to illustrate how to find your truth, master your story, and navigate change in her BLOCKED TO BLOCKBUSTER keynotes, seminars, and coaching.
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