What have you been saying for the longest time that you are “going to?”

Going to:

Call someone
Do something
Start a project
Lose weight
Change your hair
Get some new friends
Be a better ___________________
Save your money, make more money, invest your money…
Volunteer
De-clutter your life
Take an inventory

January is my favorite month of the year, because as it begins, I have renewed energy for my “going to” list. This year, however, I’m not “GOING TO” call it that. I’m simply calling it my DO LIST.

So often “Going to” is associated with the Sorceress Villain which means you are Going to when something else happens. When ____________, I’m GOING TO __________. The awful part is “When __________” never seems to happen and even if it does, there is another “When ____________” right after it.

We can solve that problem with a DO list which calls for immediate ACTION. When you catch yourself saying, “I’M GOING TO DO,” stop and reframe or rephrase. Verbalize your intention as an action statement in the here and now. You are not going to wait for anything. You are just DOING IT.

Another suggestion is to have a TO DO buddy. Choose someone you can promise and report to.

Just so there’s no confusion here are a few rewrites of weak “Going to” thoughts into strong action statements.

I am going to lose weight becomes I am losing weight this year.

I am going to get a job becomes I am getting a job and loving it.

I am going to improve my financial status becomes I am increasing my wealth by budgeting and investing.

I am going to improve my health becomes I am improving my health by adding exercise daily.

OK, now it’s your turn.

You will notice that in most of the above examples, I not only stated the intention in the present tense, but I also paired it with immediate action to take.

Do you see the weakness in the phrase “I’m going to do that”? It doesn’t say when, therefore, it can just be added to a never-ending list of guilt making GOING TO DO’S that never get done. 

I ask you, “When are you going to do it?” And, I hope I’m hearing a chorus of answers that sound like this – I’m doing it NOW!!!

I leave you with this thought wrapped in a book recommendation. In the book HOW by Dov Seidman, President Bill Clinton’s Foreword included this thought about our mission as part of a global economy, “This new focus requires all of us to think about the how, and to find new ways to take action to solve the global issues that none of us can tackle alone.” So, whether as an individual or as part of the world community, I say, “Out with the “going to” It’s not about when it’s about HOW, and the time to do it is NOW.”

Don’t you just hate it when you are told, “The answers you seek are already deep inside of you. All you have to do is access your own wisdom.” Well, I’m an expert on that one, in fact I’m quoting myself. My body had to go numb, become partially blind and lose its balance before I stopped in my tracks and said, “Hey, what are you trying to tell me?” I am certain that my body manifested Multiple Sclerosis to keep workaholism from killing me.

I didn’t see doors of opportunity, I saw dead ends. When I read this quote from Helen Keller, however, a little light went on. She said, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”

Was that true? Was I focusing on closed doors? I sure was. I held on to relationships that needed to end. I failed to replace employees who were not doing the job because I thought I could change them. My carefully designed “look” (hair, clothing style and make-up) hadn’t changed in 20 years. I had chronic bronchitis, constant exhaustion, two automobile accidents, but still I wasn’t listening — I was STUCK, and soon, my out-of-balance life caused me to go numb.

Listen for what, you may ask? Listen for the open doors. Here’s a little experiment you’ll find enlightening. Using the list of prompters below, list five signals your body (or life) sent you over the last month indicating that you needed to stop staring at a closed door and open a new one: Accident, Traffic Ticket, Anger, Depression, Lethargy, Fights, Drowsiness, Mistakes, Cravings, Urges, Longings, Memories, Family Trouble, Social ups & downs, Community, Stress, Discomfort, Illness, Sloppiness, Disrespect, No control.

Now that you have the five signals or messengers it’s time to connect the dots. Let’s say your signals are anger, a fender bender, mistakes at work, lack of control and fights. List them all on a piece of paper then play the detective game. What are the who, what, where, when and why of your signals.
Why are you angry? With whom are you really angry? Why were you not paying attention when driving? Why so many careless mistakes? What makes you feel out of control? Why the fights? What’s the point of them?

As you answer the questions, take a highlighter and underline what your answers have in common. See if the answers will lead you to a new intention – something you want to accomplish right now in your life, such as confront a friend, change your career, eat better, lose weight, face an unpleasant truth. When you define your intention, write down what you think is blocking you, such as fear of being alone, feeling unprepared, not “enough” of something, waiting for the right moment, being change-phobic… That will be your closed door! Once you’ve found the closed door, you can say good-bye forever, and walk through your open door – your intention.

Feel better? It’s called being conscious of why you do what you do when you do it. Look at your decisions, realize you have a choice, then make it. Conscious decisions will lead you through a lot of wonderful open doors. They lead me through the open door of daily multiple sclerosis wellness.

How? By inspiring you to change what’s not working in your life, because that just might get your life back to working!

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend say, ” We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.”

Does it hurt enough yet? Does it hurt enough to wake up every morning and focus on your intention for that day, and then to take action to make it happen? Because, that’s what you have to do. I sit with client after client who complain about the work it takes to change. They come back, week after week without doing the homework I give them. Then, one day, they get it. They get that when you do the work, things change. And, the more they change, the more enjoyable the work they must do becomes.

The bottom line is that you must have a goal or intention and you must be ruthlessly committed to making it happen. The commitment to your goal is fundamental. When you truly commit to a goal, you open up your mind to finding the means to achieve that end. The key words here are OPEN UP, because closed minds leave no room for good news or change. The closed mind is filled with a negative chorus of reasons why you can’t. Fire the chorus – it’s time for your solo.

OPEN UP to the reasons why you can.

Here’s the truth that makes my clients groan; the answer you seek regarding the means to achieve your goal is already inside of you, It’s just buried underneath all of the baggage you bring to this day from however many years old you are. Lose your baggage, and you will find your answer.

This may take a major attitude adjustment, because you have to reconnect with what makes you unique, and we are all unique. As one of the top motivational speakers in the industry, Zig Zigler says, “You cannot consistently perform in a manner that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself”

So, how do you see yourself? Let’s go on a little exploration of that. This is your homework, if you will. Answer all the questions below:

1. What is the most important thing for me to accomplish today?
2. What actions will I take to achieve that intention?
3. How will this help my overall goal in life at this time?
4. How do I perceive myself as the person who will achieve that goal?
5. How do other’s perceive me?
6. Do I need to change any of my own perceptions?

Finally, I’d like you to write a paragraph that includes your thoughts and feelings about already having achieved your goal.

How does it feel?

How do you feel about yourself now?

Let me give you one more clue that will help you achieve your intention everyday. It will also help you connect with your unique self. This clue comes from Walt Disney, who said, “Observe the masses and do the opposite.”

Stop watching the news with its daily dose of fear mongering. Stop engaging with the angry masses and their fear prognostications. Don’t let anyone cast a negative shadow over you based upon how they see you. Bad news is for other people. You are going to grab on to your unique self and show the world what you have to offer. You are an answer to someone else’s problem and that knowledge will help you achieve your intention while enjoying the process.

Now, do your homework!

(And, I’d love you to share your comments with me.)

“Whether you realize it or not,” says psychology expert, Art Markman Ph.D., “when the rocks beneath our feet become unstable, then it shakes us both mentally and physically.”

Why? I ask. Because the earth is our foundation.

We depend on gravity. The earth is not supposed to shake it’s supposed to hold us, keep us from falling, provide stability. What else is supposed to do that?

Perhaps our government, which is now torn down the middle in hopeless bipartisan bickering which keeps us from making life & country saving actions? Could it be our relationships that seem to grow more wobbly by the day? Or perhaps common sense that no one seems to obey thus shaking our trust levels? Maybe all of those experts on everything we need to know, but who now are so ubiquitous and numerous, they have all but lost their value. Perhaps peace could offer us stability? But where do we find it with wars, arguments, yelling and anger meeting us at every turn? Surely leaders will break our fall, but where are they? Every one and thing seems to be in a free fall including our teachers, preachers, pundits and peers.

So, when we’re feeling all shook up, what are we to do in order to find our foundation? We must each anchor to our truth. For a moment, think of your life as a house. What is your house made up of? Conversations. There are basically three types of conversations: those you have with yourself, those you have with other people and those they have about you when you leave the room.

In order for our lives to grow in stability, we must expand our conversations and open our hearts to new ways of thinking. Sometimes our very foundation keeps us from building a bigger house because it is built on a story full of somebody else’s truths – perceptions, disappointments, false prejudices, negative lessons that we absorbed as children as part of our story. The proverbial question is “How’s that been working for you?” For many, “Not so good.”

I urge you to do a little fact check, find your truth and return to your core, where you will once again find stability.

• What is your mission in life?
• How is the world a better place because you are in it?
• What will you be remembered for?
• What are your core values?
• Who are the people you admire and how can you bring the qualities they represent into your own life?
• What are some actions you can take to heal your self, someone else or something in your life?
• Can you replace judgment, criticism and blame with receptivity, understanding, growth and self-responsibility?
• What are you grateful for?
• What would you like to change in your life?
• What are 3 baby steps you can take today to make any of the above happen?

Connect to your core and you may find yourself standing tall the next time your world shakes.

In short, you can’t fly until your attitude reflects where you are going or who or what you want to attract in your life. Recently, I was running out of patience with my husband’s lack of hearing. With each repetition of the same sentence, my voice would grow in volume and anger. Our communication was grounded.

What did I do? I changed my attitude. I swallowed my lack of patience and responded with kindness and love every single time. I leaned in closer to him, I made eye contact, I changed my wording, I caressed him rather than glaring at him. Surprise, he started to hear me with fewer repetitions and rewarded me with his own change of attitude.

In the beauty salon this morning, my hairdresser (also the salon owner) was complaining about the immaturity and outright rudeness of his co-workers. I shared my 3 little words, and I could see him start to soar. He decided to raise the attitude bar by setting the example he wanted others to mirror. Immediately, the atmosphere in the shop changed. He had been sinking to their level rather than giving them the opportunity to rise to the desired level of their shared business attitude and atmosphere.

My bookkeeper is going on a 5-day silence retreat in a Monastery. She’s worried because her friends and family think she’s crazy and destined to fail. I shared ATTITUDE DETERMINES ALTITUDE with her along with a reminder that their perceptions are not her truth. I also asked her to predetermine her success by focusing on the outcome she wants and opening her heart to wonderful outcomes she may never have imagined.

Here it is, 3 BLOCKBUSTER steps to achieve 3 little words, ATTITUDE DETERMINES ALTITUDE:

1. LISTEN inward for an old attitude that is keeping you grounded from accomplishing an important current goal.
2. OPEN YOUR HEART to a new behavior and attitude that will help you lift off to success. (This is often the opposite of what is keeping you blocked)
3. FOCUS on the outcome you want from your attitude makeover and say good-bye to old behavior, habits and routines that keep you stuck in the old attitude. 

By the way, these 3 little words came to me “uncredited” from a motivational speaker group I belong to on Linked In. We were all asked to share our favorite motivational quotes. Mine was, “Wake up with joy in your heart for what the day may bring,” a quote from my ever-optimistic husband. He and his quote are definitely part of the reason my altitude stays high when I’m conscious of fueling it with my desired attitudes.

Mother Theresa

I found this quote in the program for a charity luncheon I attended last week, benefiting TEEN LINE, a teen-to-teen hotline and outreach program affiliated with Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

The luncheon proved to be the last time Maria Shriver, Arnold Schwarzenegger and oldest daughter Katherine were together without the black cloud of “separation shame, cheater, father to an illegitimate son, disgraced wife” ripped through their lives. Then the saturation news coverage began, all Schwarzenegger Scandal all the time, blah-blah-blah. Add to that TV’s drama fictionalizing the reality of guilty male politician shaming “The Good Wife.”

As the world watches the Schwarzenegger meltdown, I have been simultaneously coaching several 30-45-year-old men who are attempting to love deeply – even to the point of commitment after failed relationships. But, guess what? They don’t know how. One man contemplating breaking out of a 4-year relationship wants to line up at least 3 new relationship possibilities before jumping out of his “safe” one. Another, already separated, wants to run back, but not really, as he struggles over the impact his leaving has had on his 3 kids. Both admit they are not sure what love is.

So, the question is, what lessons are we teaching our children about lasting love? Do we teach love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love?" No, we teach love until you get an “owie,” then run. Do we teach “work on it, don’t give up, nurture the one you love?” No, far too often, we espouse, “When the going gets tough, get out.” Do we teach to “Deny ourselves temptation,” or do we rationalize human weakness and rally around second chances? One female client after another comes to me crying about men who lack a sense of responsibility, who are commitment-phobic, with no sense of trust, and who have very little connection to even a basic sense of right and wrong.

What’s the problem? FEAR! Frightened people need to yell before they are yelled at, bully before they are revealed, stop loving before they are hurt and run before they are caught. They have a giant hole inside that is filled with MORE – more money, more sex, more highs, more attention, more power.

Ironically, the power they seek by gorging on more, different and new in the “grass is greener” unconscious mode, leaves them empty of the fuel of life, and that fuel is LOVE – of themselves, their lives and the people with whom they connect.

Arnold is the epitome of the “LOST LOVE” Villain. If he had filled up with love, there would have been no room for the fear that fills his life and threatens the happiness of those he “governed.”

We also could not help but ask, “What if it was me?” And the answer is – in a way it is you, we are all in it together and we are all one. Damage to oil refineries is impacting recession recovery in the United States. Lessons learned from this Huge Pacific Disaster will be grabbed up and utilized by everyone in an Earthquake zone. Damage to Japan’s nuclear power plants is causing worldwide scrutiny regarding the safety of nuclear power. Business being done with Japan is slowing down as we change focus to help the victims survive. On a micro-level, my husband and I are doing business in Japan relating to his movie library. We quickly sat down and sent an email to our new “friends,” to make sure they were safe. They are safe, but not without personal loss.

Strangers held each other on the streets of Tokyo. In my yoga class we focused our meditation on the survivors and the victims.

What if it was me? It is you, and it is me. We have no idea what nature will do next. One thing we can be sure of, however, the best way to handle whatever comes along is to help each other and to have a plan. We spend way too much of our lifetimes pitting ourselves against each other and finding reasons to be “us” vs. “them, when really we are the same. We vilify each other. When faced with true life and death danger, a monster beyond our imaginations, we do the same things. We run for safety, for shelter, for help. We bleed the same. We need food and water, we need a structure to keep us safe from the elements, and we need human contact and care. The manmade disasters throughout the world – all of the wars – do we need to manufacture those when there are so many natural disasters to overcome and so many reasons to unite and help each other survive?

Earthquakes, fires, tornados, hurricanes and tsunamis do not care about your religion, ethnicity, politics, sexual preferences or your financial standing. We are like tiny, little ants in the face of what nature can bring. We fall through the cracks, we wash out to sea, we are trampled by the footprint of floods, fires, and earth-shaking fury. Was what we were fighting about before the earthquake so important? Or, is it more important to work together to save each other before the next natural disaster? And, here’s an idea – why not take all the energy we use to fight each other and invest it in finding a cure for what ails us? I predict heroic results.

Today we’re going to explore blocks and seven ways to bust them out of your life.

First, What is a Block?

A block is any thought or emotion that is STUCK in your brain and that pops up sub-consciously to stop you in your tracks. Most often you are unaware of the block. It usually represents a disappointment, a broken heart experience, a loss, a failure – some experience that you decided to bury and perhaps deal with at a later date.

Blocks keep you from getting what you want out of life. Blocks keep you stuck in habits, patterns, routines and behaviors that are not working for you. These are the elusive things that you would like to change about yourself if you could just define it, find it, get your hands around it, understand it, express it. You can be blocked personally or blocked as an organization or a business.

Find Your Block

Here are some examples of blocks:

• You can’t seem to finish anything. You have a ton of wonderful ideas, but none of them completely come to fruition. I call it chain-doubting – whether it’s too expensive, too complicated, too time-consuming, or too whatever, you just can’t get it done.
• You always seem to be lacking the one thing you need to get what you want – whether it’s more information, more money, more luck, more help, more time – there’s always something missing. Everybody else has it, but not you.
• You are always stuck waiting for something to happen before you take action. If __________ happens then I’ll do it. If I lose weight, then I’ll look for a job. If my prince comes then I’ll find love. If my break comes, then I’ll succeed.
• You feel like no one believes in you. You live in the past, completely cut off from your future. You might say things like, “I’ve failed before, why should this be any different? Who do I think I am? Your self-confidence and joy for life are at an all time low.
• You feel like you’re an imposter – that you’re fooling people for a short time, but you will be caught. Someone will find you out and stop you. They will lower the boom or the ceiling on your life.
• You are absolutely sure that everyone else has the power. They make the decisions and pull the strings. You are just a pawn, a helpless and hopeless victim when it comes to bucking the system or even just breaking through.
• You’re afraid to go after your dream, leave your job, believe in yourself or go after what you really love. When it gets right down to it – you’re afraid to love.

7 WAYS TO BUST THOSE BLOCKS

1)  FIND THEM.You can’t bust through the blocks unless you know what they are. When you feel stuck, ask yourself, “What do I think is blocking me?”

2)  INDULGE IN SOME CHAIN-COMPLAINING. Once you have found your, try to identify who taught you to feel or act that way then, let yourself complain a bit. Feel it, write about it, shout it out and… 

3)  LET IT GO! When the tirade is done, let it go. Once you’ve identified the perpetrators of your block and your chain complainin’ is done, you can give it back to them, and move on to the final step which is one of empowerment. Write down the opposite of the doubting statements in your mind.

4)  THROW OUT THE CAN’T, BRING ON THE CAN AND WON’T.

Make a new list or script:

I am talented enough…
I can do this.
I won’t fall into your belief system.

5)  BREATHE YOUR WAY OUT OF THE BLOCK The very act of breathing, getting rid of the old to make room for the new, is actually a metaphor for what you need to do to free yourself from any block. You need to breathe out the old, foul thinking, doubts and saboteurs that have your brain locked in blank mode, and breathe in new creative thoughts and inspirations. You want to breathe out the garbage and breathe in the muse.

6)  MEDITATE YOUR WAY OUT OF BLOCKS. When we are blocked, we must take our intense concentration off of that which is blocking us and put it somewhere else. Sit on the floor or in a chair with your feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes and breathe deeply for about 30 seconds. Ask yourself these questions – “What do I need to do to find and release this block? What is my body trying to tell me?" Then, listen for 20 minutes. Let the thoughts come and go through your brain. Do not act or react. When the 20 minutes is up, slowly open your eyes and you will most likely have the answers you seek, or you will be given the answers sometime within the day.

7)  Find Your Villains. The next issues will give an overview of the 7 Success-Defying Villains.