Between abductions, family murders, political trickery and subterfuge, cheating, lying and a country divided in hate speech, suspicion and a permanent sense of “the other side has no idea what they are doing!” it seems a sense of right and wrong is permanently tabled while people pursue their own self interest.

However, today I was reminded by Ariel Kaminer, who writes The Ethicist for the New York Times, of something I would most like to believe; that all of us are born with a conscience.

Ariel posits that “ethics may be having a moment.” She points to the internet as something that has coalesced into a galaxy of communities, in which people come together around shared interests and values and grope their way toward local standards for fairness and respect. Despite the cynicism we all weather, if you look around, you’ll see evidence of amazing ethical exuberance.”

So, I’m going to look around for that amazing ethical exuberance, because we all know that we find what we are focusing on.

With that I have a note to Cindy, bravely sharing with us her search for employment. In this issue she recounts that she blew an interview, however, I tend to say that the only thing she failed to do in advance was listen to her own wisdom and her own heart. She wants to come home to Los Angeles. She was fighting her instinct and heart and they won.

If there’s a theme in this issue, it revolves around trust and love. There are countless saboteur villains that we will encounter in our lives. And, each time we encounter a villain, we encounter our sense of right and wrong. Katniss is a heroine because she does not fall prey to saboteurs. She waits to trust and listens intently to her own heart, wisdom and ethical sense.

Cindy is growing one interview at a time, and now has learned you cannot trick your own truth. She is on a path to the career that will fulfill her creativity and until then she’s paying the bills as she sharpens her wit and writing talent.

Ultimately, all the things that get thrown in our path to trick, betray and sabotage us end up by the wayside as we each get stronger as loving, ethical human beings eager to exercise our sense of right and wrong to grow ourselves, our community and our world.

Let’s hear it for our conscience.

I’ve resorted to calling forth my inner Katniss. No one is trying to kill me, there are plenty of people to trust. Has my trial by fire not burned bright enough, long enough? Maybe the depths of under employment go deeper. Maybe it has to get worse. Is it going to take being pushed to those Hunger Game extremes for me to find my place on this planet? What else can explain my next interview debacle.

Riding high from turning down an offer for employment, I interviewed for a “better” position at the same university because nothing enables me to change my plans like more money.

In retrospect I could write the go-to book on how to talk someone out of hiring me. I walked in unfocused and with every answer felt myself falling further from the brass ring. My responses jumped out of my mouth and at the end of each sentence I wanted to ask for a re-do. Those exchange of looks from the committee seated around the table, unnerving. I was possessed with a desire to self-destruct which I could not stop.

Where did I go? What happened to that confident, capable woman of the last interview?

Apparently I still don’t think I deserve a better paying position. That’s part of it. The other part is I still don’t want a boring, go-nowhere office job in a place I don’t want to live. Maybe I really am Katniss, fighting for my life. An emotional death or a physical death. Neither, thanks. There’s a way out of this and I will find it. I pledge to stay at my warehouse job and continue my writing in the early mornings, before the tuggers and pallets and malfunctioning wrap machines get the best I have to give. An interesting, challenging, creative position in Los Angeles is in the near future. Meanwhile I’m off-screen getting paid to do my weight-bearing exercises.

If you followed me during this time of upheaval and unemployment, perhaps you identify with the Sorceress, Bandit and Killer villains that held me captive under their anvil thumb. My early attempts back into the job market to my current job as a warehouse selector for a grocery distribution center pointed out just what had been holding me back. Working through these villains produced clarity which led to change and change has come.

Armed with these new understandings, my next interview at a university was completely different. I was engaged and engaging, none of my appendages were tapping or flapping, I shook hands with the entire committee, handed out my resume for ease of reference and smiled when saying thank you for seeing me. I demonstrated a calm and competent attitude and gave the the director of the division a good idea to help facilitate her faculty meetings. I was offered the job.

There were several things about this position which did not ring true for my immediate needs nor future goals. What surprised me most was my reluctance to turn it down. What held me back was a sense of guilt folded in a blanket of people-pleasing. Why is it I don’t want to disappoint people by taking a stand for what is best for me? Back to Judith’s villains, curious to see which one was responsible, because this one is big.

JPH Note: Ah Cindy, you are so close! The operative words are “position which did not ring true for my immediate needs nor future goals.” You are conquering the LOST LOVE villain. You had accumulated just enough love for yourself to realize when something was not good for you. However, you haven’t quite let go of all the old “Lost Love” behavior – people-pleasing, guilt, fear of disappointing others. So, you felt the nagging call of old behavior, yet you did not listen. You paid attention instead to a new-found love of your own needs and you did it! That deserves a giant “Atta-girl!” You won the Lost Love Tug-of-war.

If you want to finish clearing this villain, write that list of things you no longer love in your life, things like people-pleasing, guilt, lack of self-recognition and self-respect, disappointing relationships, out-dated dreams, false hopes…Make sure the list is complete and then destroy it. Finally, on a beautiful, new sheet of paper, write about all the things you love about yourself, your life, and the activities and people in it. You are on a different track now and success is visible just around the corner.

The idea I was waiting on someone to save me would have been rejected outright prior to this journey. Hadn’t I elevated myself from an Associates degree from a community college into two of the top film schools in the nation? Didn’t I work hard, being the nicest person on the block so I could earn my space in this world? Hadn’t I run the lives of creative geniuses in business, never thinking the creative genius could be me? Since all are true, where’s my prize? In Los Angeles the fantasy that one will be discovered and plucked out of their current circumstance and gently placed in their rightful and dreamed of situation can happen. But when the hidden reliance on that low percentage occurrance secretly runs my life, I get nowhere. And nowhere is where I am.

The Sorceress. Perhaps the most vile and long-standing in my life, had me trapped in a fantasy world of “What If’s” and “If Only’s.” If blank happens, then I’ll be happy. If an outside source rescues me, then I’ll be saved (sentence lifted directly from Judith Parker Harris’ Secrets of Seven Villains).

Identifying the Sorceress felt like someone had just delivered some really bad news. Oh God, this can’t be. No one is going to find me and save me here in this warehouse? No, and for that matter, not anywhere. Only banishment to this desolate situation allowed the belief deep within my psyche to emerge. And there it was. Unless I do something different, nothing will change. Here, or anywhere.

This warehouse job is the physical manifestation of my villains: The Killer moved in and buried my creativity and joy and that’s just fine because the Saboteur told me lies. My screenplays were no good, my art too simple, my administrative skills lacking. The Bandit had me working harder than I ever had because hard labor is the only thing I can do. And now the Sorceress, and my dependence on someone or something to fix my circumstance.

You may be thinking this took eight months, really? And how old are you? I know one needs to be the hero in their own life, but I never saw how that applied to me. In my book I’d done my part, so why isn’t my life working? I submit that if you think me dull and dim witted to not see the obvious, and you base your judgement from your lofty and good position from which you operate, perhaps a few more stones over turned in your own life will push you from good to great. And from great to amazing. Now excuse me while I go do something productive for the future. My future. The one I really want.

JPH Note: Cindy’s struggle is classic and so is our own tendency to say, “Whew, I’m glad that’s not me,” all the while fearing our own villains and wondering just what they have in mind for us. Here’s the secret. Our villains are afraid we’ll find them. They hide behind our negative habits, patterns, routines and lessons that are impacting and sabotaging our lives today. When we start to change, the villains have no place to hide – so they run! That’s just where we want them, on the run, so we are free to embrace the life of our design, as opposed to a life full of other people’s programming. Even the Sorceress can’t stand the heat when we decide to wait no more for “If” to provide a miracle and instead move ahead to create our own magic. Take action every day and see how far you can move ahead this year.

How many signs did Michael Jackson need to send in order to be heard?

• I’m anxious.
• I need to sleep.
• I’m in pain.
• I need love. I need understanding.
• I never had a childhood. I hurt so much.
• Please, please, just help me sleep.
• Give me more drugs. Give me peace from my stress.

Was it the tour? Did he think he couldn’t handle it?

Was it the financial pressure to succeed or bust?

Was it the huge number of people counting on him?

Was it that every body had so much to gain from Michael that they ignored every cry for help he shouted out?

There are many people other than Conrad Murray responsible for Michael Jackson’s death. Everyone who was within hearing distance of Michael’s cries for help holds a tiny bit of blame. Unfortunately, no one held on to Michael.

The lesson from this sad story is to listen to our loved ones – not just to their words. Listen to their actions, what they’re not doing or saying, but what they are acting out. Between the lines of pretend, try to find the truth. It could save a life.

After seven hours in the cold warehouse I can only lay on the ground and stare up through the cloudless haze at the black outline of vultures circling. This is hard country. A place that chews up people through minimum wage jobs, securing a cap on their imaginations and dreams of ever being anything other than what they are, if they’re not careful. I wave an arm to let the death birds know I am okay, but they don’t listen. My muscles have reached their failure point. Waiting for my ride home I recall ideas that came out in my writing this morning. Ideas that have nothing to do with our current situation. We have bigger issues right now than to save the world. True. But what came out was:

A new paradigm for living: A way for people to have a good quality of life despite the economic downturn. Maybe based on the UCLA Co-op where I lived when I first came to Los Angeles. Those “student amenity” levels would not do for more mature folks who are used to a better way of living. But something similar. Not a commune. Not a hippie, pot-smoking situation. Everyone has a four-hour weekly work shift, the cost to live there minimal. Maybe one of the work shifts teaches computer skills for the coveted “Powerpoint and Outlook” job market and one teaches trading the stock market in addition to all the maintenance and cooking. A place for people to rehab and regroup. From being laid off, from ripping through their savings, from bad credit that prohibits future prospects of housing. Out of the millions of the unemployed, maybe someone you know.

Then there’s the “Take it or Leave It Art” – Art placed in a public area with a note to “Take it or leave it for others to enjoy.” Maybe silkscreen on canvas. What if you walked down the street and saw a piece of art you liked with that note? Would you take it? Would you leave it? Would it make you think, maybe smile?

All this does nothing for me right now. But I watched the whales on television being saved and then the starving people in Somalia burst into my living room. Yes, there is great need on this planet. But how can I make America a better place? What can I do for humans right here at home?

Maybe all this worry about not enough money to maintain the status quo is for naught. Maybe change on every level is coming. Rather, has come. And all this is the best thing that ever happened to everyone even though we don’t yet understand. This thing that makes us reach within ourselves, bust through our blocks and deliver ideas that inspire and change. Because when perspective changes, the view changes. When the view changes, new opportunities present themselves

When is it a block and when is it just survival? I may be busting through blocks, but I still need to eat and pay bills. No one has responded to my resume which is why I am here to take the lift test – the one remaining hurdle prior to being hired to pack pallets at this grocery distribution warehouse. It’s my turn, and I grab two layers of twelve cans each, smash them against my chest and lower down to the second pallet, bending my legs and not my back. Up and down. again and again. I make comments like, “This feels like I am a participant on Survivor” and “It’s like trying to figure out a Rubic’s Cube.” After 10 minutes the supervisor says, “Well, that’s it. That’s the job.” I act like this is the most fun I have ever had and reiterate, much like I did in the office the previous day, that I want this job.

If I don’t hear anything by Tuesday, they have passed. Tuesday comes and goes. How did I not get chosen for this warehouse job? I call my temp agency who finally tells me yes they passed. ”There’s been a huge mistake,” I tell her. ”Call them back and tell them they made a mistake. ” I know this is my job. I don’t know what went wrong.

They tell my rep, ”We were just reconsidering her,” they say. ”We think we should have put her through.” My rep persists, “What made you pass on her the first time?” The surprising answer, ”Her personality. She had too much. Sometimes that can be annoying in a warehouse environment.”

They can’t penalize me for having a good personality. My rep said, “I told them you were just excited about the job, that you were not that way all the time.”

Once hired I find out I’ve been assigned to the freezer section. Let me clarify. I wear insulated overalls, sweatshirt, jacket, wool socks, insulated boots, ear muffs and several gloves, because it’s minus 18 degrees. Heavy boxes of frozen food have my fingertips numb with cold, my nose hair is frozen and my eyes are glazed over with icy tears. It’s like working for an outdoor moving company at the North Pole. A couple hours in there and I’m happy to go to Produce where it is a balmy 54 degrees and a box of lettuce weighs more than my dog. I call Judith. “What villain is this?” and she assures me it’s simply called survival. Because I am still sending out resumes, I am following up on leads, I am working for a better tomorrow.

The up shot of this job is I don’t have to pay to work out at a gym, this company pays me to work out. And it comes at a price. My knuckles and elbows are stiff and swollen. I am exhausted, in bed by 8 PM and have no trouble sleeping. Meanwhile, I get up at 5 am, feed the dog, make coffee for my husband and I, stretch, meditate and write through my blocks before showing up for work at 7:25 am. Ready to pack those pallets. I’ve even come up with a couple “save the world” ideas. Now I’m reeling myself in and just looking for a way to be of service and have fun doing it.

JUDITH’S NOTE: Now, that’s what I’m talking about. There’s a lot of truth to clichés like, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Sure, there are some questions left for Cindy to explore: What is frozen in her life? What needs to be lifted from her in order for her to move forward? What does this heaviness and struggle represent?

But there is also SURVIVAL, and Cindy demonstrates a spirit that will not break but will break through – blocks and all! She does what she has to do while she keeps pushing forward to her calling. She doesn’t give up. She recognizes and hangs on to her core values and talent. She keeps her intention burning bright and she moves toward it – sometimes inches at a time, but she keeps moving, and she keeps who she is alive.

Cindy is a talented artist in so many ways. And, she’s a gifted writer who is making a living with what’s available while she finds her voice and hones her craft.

“Why are you so eager to go in this direction,” my husband demands. “Get excited about the big paying jobs and go find those.” Okay, let me run right out and do that. I have waded through the spam jobs online, hit up my friends, called previous employers, cold called companies and signed up with the agencies they use after submitting myself to their battery of tests, Microsoft Word and Excel being the gate-keepers for all positions whether they are needed or not.

My husband could not believe I even attempted to take those tests. “You are technically challenged and got lucky when you found work at an internet company who had gurus fixing IT problems all day. Okay, maybe I should remove Word, Excel and Quickbooks from my resume. “Who told you to put those on?” he asks continuing with, “You are a very good facilitator, a great communicator and have very nice social skills. But you will never, ever be expert at computers and software.”

It seems my version of who and what I am is not the same as how my husband sees me, or any where near close to reality for that matter.

Maybe that’s why it’s not working. Apparently the jobs I‘m not getting are not only the jobs I don’t really want, but also the ones that I can’t really do. Yes, that used to be me with the mad office skills, but not so much any more. Who is this person holding on yet dying to let go of the old skills and ways?

I point my finger at the BANDIT VILLAIN, the voice in my head that tells me to embellish every skill and every job experience, because otherwise someone else will be more qualified, look better, have all the luck and get that job. My fear of “not being enough” keeps me trapped in the same old story, thus setting myself up for the same old results. So, it’s not that I seek out these low paying jobs, it’s that they represent a totally new direction. Maybe not the ultimate path but a new one and that gets me excited.

Editor’s note: Besides the Pirate/Bandit Villain nagging at Cindy with his “You’re not enough” refrain, she is also being hounded by the Killer Villain who keeps you stuck in the past, thereby rendering you ineffective in the present. You can’t move forward when you’re stuck on an old version of yourself. When the Killer is your villain look at what needs to die in your life: Say good-bye to dead end jobs, lost loves, inherited prejudices, false lessons, dreams you replaced long ago and allow yourself a Life Attitude Makeover. New answers and opportunities will follow.

I went home and looked up gravitas: seriousness, solemnity or importance. This woman really thought a lot of herself and her services. I felt it and was drawn to her. My over-reaching personality, that I think charming, served me well in previous situations, including when I was five and vying for my parents’ attentions, but it is far from gravitas. How is it that I’m drawn to traits in another that I don’t have? Maybe the people-pleasing me yearns to grow up and hold my own. Maybe what I need is a complete personality change. Or maybe I just need to address the Killer Villain, again. My free-spirited, light-hearted attitude apparently no longer serves me. Because really, is there anything more scary than a middle-aged woman who still needs to grow up? This Killer Villain is trying to take me down and I will not let it. But how to kill the Killer?

Judith Parker Harris COMMENT:

How do you kill the killer?

Grow up. Leave the old negative lessons, habits and routines behind.

When being interviewed, use the 4-step, magic communication technique that will draw people to you: 1) Open up, 2) Listen, 3) Keep your defenses down, 4) Think about your strategy and how you can be part of the solution for the interviewer.

Do you have to grow up?

Answer: Depends on the job, but definitely keep it open as an option.

I asked my friend and colleague, currently out of work, to share her job seeking adventures with us through the filters of our seven villains. While she masterfully covers up frustration with a smile, she knows the Killer villain is at work. We’d love to hear how your villains have sabotaged your job search.

BLOCKED IN MY JOB SEARCH By Cindy Gilbert

Out of work for two years has done nothing for my credit rating or self esteem. I’ve volunteered and networked, neither of which did anything to land a job, never mind advance my career.

Finally a major advertising agency in Los Angeles came calling. Yes, I’ve heard the rumors, ageism is alive and well in southern California. I went to the interview with a slight chip on my shoulder which I tried to counter with enthusiasm that came across as simply weird energy. As I interviewed for the position of administrative assistant my speech sounded canned with a monotone that screamed, “I don’t want this job but need the money.” I even did a follow-up PowerPoint presentation of my dog to show I had the chops. “Nope, sorry,” was the answer.

But when a Human Resources gal at yet another large ad agency in Los Angeles called saying I had been recommended, the doubts and frustration melted away. “I’m not too old!” and did a Sally Fields (You like me, you really like me.) The departing assistant gave it to me straight. “These two guys are really cool,” with a look that said, “and you are not.” At the end she went to see if she “could find” the HR gal who, no surprise here, turned out to be busy. Wait for it, here it comes, yes that’s right I got the big “Nope, sorry.”

I am now the official quota filler being passed around HR departments, keeping them in compliance with fair hiring standards. “Hey, we loved her, we just found someone better suited for this position.”

Out of all the villains arguing in my head, which one was responsible for making me feel aged out and burned out? The Killer villain took two steps forward, sporting a huge grin.

“Give up, roll over and play dead because life as you know it is over,” whispered the Killer in my ear. How long had he been living in me, causing me to operate from a deficit when presenting myself and my skills? And here’s the thing, nothing in those jobs delighted or inspired me, and I admit the possibility I would have been a lonely worker there, or worse yet, bored. My time is valuable, and if time is on the downhill side of noon, I must be about the business of defining my continuing career life. Next time I’ll take sturdy stock of my skills, present them in a confident manner, ask more questions to see if I even want to be there. This time I was too busy resuscitating my gasping ego that the KILLER VILLAIN had already attacked before I even showed up.

Editor’s note: The Killer thrives by attaching you to old versions of yourself, when what you need to get a job is to embrace who you are now. Present what an employer needs with appropriate confidence, enthusiasm and knowledge and the Killer’s arsenal of ageism and countless other “ism’s” will be depleted.