Archive for July, 2010

Top Ten BlockBuster List of Achievment Killers — #4

By Judith Parker Harris

Block: Lack of Listening.
Buster: Shut-up, get over yourself, pay attention.

The fourth BlockBuster Achievment Killer is “Poor Listening Skills.” In the baseball game of conversations, negotiations, and all forms of communications, we have a nation full of pitchers, but very few catchers. That means we have a lot of balls that were in the air, rolling aimlessly on the ground because no body bothered to pay attention. Listening is truly akin to catching. We must remain silent, focus on the person speaking and try to catch the meaning, the intent and the agenda, if there is one. Where is the speaker coming from? Literally, is there a cultural component to the message? What emotions are clouding the message or hidden within the content?

Our baseball game of communication is very lop-sided. We have lots of people winding up and throwing a message, but few people are bothering to catch it, because they’d rather throw instead. Why? Frankly, their attention is somewhere else, most often it’s on themselves and what they are going to say next. Then there are all of those perceptions that men and women are from different planets so they can’t possibly “get” each other. And, we know that kid-speak is a code, teenagers speak in gibberish, young adults are way ahead of us, middle-agers are totally out of it and seniors simply can’t hear. Middle management can’t get through to executives, Assistants have no voice, departments have their own languages. And what about “those people” from the new company you just merged with? “Why they are truly from another planet.” Managers, leaders, politicians, clients, worker-bees, suppliers, vendors, creatives, number crunchers, government workers, freelancers – each category, and there are hundreds of them, has its own language.

So, you think you want to listen better? Here’s the plan.
1) Before you say anything, take a deep breath and focus on the other person. Look into their eyes. Tap into their energy. What is their body language saying to you?
2) Take another deep breath and prepare to listen.
3) Listen so intently you could repeat what they are saying. In fact, do that. Repeat it to yourself and then talk for the first time by saying, “This is what I heard you say…is that right?
4) If something said triggers an emotion, take a few seconds of silence to ask yourself why, and when you have an answer make sure it is valid in the context of this situation. If there is anger, distrust, misperceptions, prejudice, jealousy or any of those conversation stoppers involved, they must be disarmed. Shouting is the antithesis of communication.
5) Weigh your responses and throw out the first 3 to 5 of them as they are probably old programming belonging to someone else.
6) Ask questions that show your interest and bring out more of the other person rather than being stuck in misunderstandings.
7) Keep judgment, criticism and blame out of the conversation. Focus on whomever you are talking to with the goal of understanding, not winning, pontificating or disagreeing and you will be a sought after conversationalist.

One more thing regarding meetings, lectures, workshops, presentations, and the many forums in which people come together to learn and grow. Devote the first 25% of the meeting to listening. Leave all of your perceptions outside the meeting room and see what your open mind, free of its constant chatter can wrap itself around. If after 25 to 30% of the meeting, the content is truly bad, then tune out and save your focus for something that matters. If you forget to check your watch, welcome to some new ideas that found enough open space in your brain to come in and stay for a while.

Watch for my next blog and number 5 on the Top 10 List of Achievement Killers – Status Quo – Following #1Risk Aversion, #2 Unclear Intention, #3 Lack of Time and #4, Poor Listening Skills.

Declare Your Independence from a Block Today

By Judith Parker Harris

July 6, 2010

Block: Dependence
Buster: Independence

Declare Your Independence from a Block Today

In my opinion, which I’m free to express because of the 4th of July, I believe the day is worth celebrating all month – make that all year! It was on the 4th of July in 1776 that a group of men "broadcast" a proposition about the nature and the rights of human beings. Propelled by the words of Thomas Jefferson, these men felt they were enunciating truths that would hold for all time, and, indeed we seek to embody its aspirations to this day, not only in the United States of America, but increasingly throughout the rest of the world.

I know you know the words. "That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed."

These words can be applied in so many ways – as a group of citizens joined together by the country we love – and individually as we seek to live out best lives.

I often challenge my clients to declare their independence over whatever is oppressing them at this time of year. Is it a chemical, weight, lack of confidence, worry, laziness, health, love or lack thereof, greed, jealousy?

Whatever it is, find the inspiration to write your own Declaration of Independence. I’ll start:

I, Judith Parker Harris, declare my independence from the misconceptions of others and vow to live the best life I can for myself, my family, my community and my world. I will not be constrained by worry or vanity as I seek the highest good, give of my talent, nurture with my heart and remain thoughtful of those with whom I share this planet.

Your turn! Feel free to share your Declaration of Independence on my Blog.

SEX IN THE CITY 2 – A Course in Villain Busting

By Judith Parker Harris

Was SEX IN THE CITY 2 a Blockbuster? Regarding Box office receipts it was only a minor player, but in terms of BUSTING BLOCKS, it was a Major League winner.

The four ladies we have grown to love over the years represent so many archetypes that we can each live out our fantasies and deal with our villains through them. That is exactly why watching them is addictive. The clothes, the shoes, the breath-taking scenery is nothing compared to living out our fantasies and busting our villains – that’s the real key to why there will be another sequel. We need these girls.

Lets start with Carrie, the woman of so many questions. She definitely falls prey to the Saboteur villain. In this round, she couldn’t help question if marriage had made her "big" romance go cold. When she ran into Aiden, the Saboteur villain threatened her marriage, but truth and love won out.

Samantha, our bad girl/sex goddess was dealing with the Sorceress villain. What if natural foods and a store full of supplements could keep her young? What if she could outrun menopause? But loss of her medicine chest made her get past the "if’s" and begin dealing (at least a little) with age, just as an age-appropriate hunk came into steal her heart and help her deal with what is, what’s present, what’s true in life.

Miranda, the red-headed flame struggled with the mugger/rapist villain. Always more comfortable with her work façade than facing up to her many insecurities personally, she found her husband and child demanding that she quit her job. She raced off to Abu Dhabi with her friends, still not sure of who she really was, but the answer came through sound-headed balance.

Lovely Charlotte, gave us the Pirate/Bandit conflict. Was she enough as a mother? Was she enough as a wife? Was she a monster for ignoring her child’s cries for 5-minutes while she cried herself. A breakdown and a heart-to-heart with Miranda took the pressure of being perfect off of Charlotte’s shoulders and introduced her to just right, leaving the "Not Enough Pirate" villain behind on the sand dunes.

For the critics who felt the movie was complete debauchery, garish, over blown… Get over it! It’s a fantasy, a cartoon. The movie goes too far so we don’t have to feel bad about our own villains. You’re taking yourself and this movie, too seriously.

So many villains, so little time. See this one and work out some of your "stuff."

7 WAYS TO BUST BLOCKS IN YOUR LIFE AND GET UN-STUCK

By Judith Parker Harris

The Blocked to Block-Buster Tip Sheet is dedicated to helping you bust through the blocks in your life so you can get what you want.

Today we’re going to explore blocks and seven ways to bust them out of your life.

First, What is a Block?

A block is any thought or emotion that is STUCK in your brain and that pops up sub-consciously to stop you in your tracks. Most often you are unaware of the block. It usually represents a disappointment, a broken heart experience, a loss, a failure – some experience that you decided to bury and perhaps deal with at a later date.

Blocks keep you from getting what you want out of life. Blocks keep you stuck in habits, patterns, routines and behaviors that are not working for you. These are the elusive things that you would like to change about yourself if you could just define it, find it, get your hands around it, understand it, express it. You can be blocked personally or blocked as an organization or a business.

Find Your Block

Here are some examples of blocks:

7 WAYS TO BUST THOSE BLOCKS

1)  FIND THEM.You can’t bust through the blocks unless you know what they are. When you feel stuck, ask yourself, “What do I think is blocking me?”

2)  INDULGE IN SOME CHAIN-COMPLAINING. Once you have found your, try to identify who taught you to feel or act that way then, let yourself complain a bit. Feel it, write about it, shout it out and… 

3)  LET IT GO! When the tirade is done, let it go. Once you’ve identified the perpetrators of your block and your chain complainin’ is done, you can give it back to them, and move on to the final step which is one of empowerment. Write down the opposite of the doubting statements in your mind.

4)  THROW OUT THE CAN’T, BRING ON THE CAN AND WON’T.

Make a new list or script:

I am talented enough…
I can do this.
I won’t fall into your belief system.

5)  BREATHE YOUR WAY OUT OF THE BLOCK The very act of breathing, getting rid of the old to make room for the new, is actually a metaphor for what you need to do to free yourself from any block. You need to breathe out the old, foul thinking, doubts and saboteurs that have your brain locked in blank mode, and breathe in new creative thoughts and inspirations. You want to breathe out the garbage and breathe in the muse.

6)  MEDITATE YOUR WAY OUT OF BLOCKS. When we are blocked, we must take our intense concentration off of that which is blocking us and put it somewhere else. Sit on the floor or in a chair with your feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes and breathe deeply for about 30 seconds. Ask yourself these questions – “What do I need to do to find and release this block? What is my body trying to tell me?" Then, listen for 20 minutes. Let the thoughts come and go through your brain. Do not act or react. When the 20 minutes is up, slowly open your eyes and you will most likely have the answers you seek, or you will be given the answers sometime within the day.

7)  Find Your Villains. The next issues will give an overview of the 7 Success-Defying Villains.

ECONOMY FORCES OTHERS TO BEG, BORROW and STEAL?

By Judith Parker Harris

Block: Begging
BlockBuster: Ask for a Hand not a Handout

A Friend and client of mine just sent me this email which caused me to think my way into this article for you. She wrote, “I was just on the subway and as it was approaching my stop a woman came on my car and announced to the train that she is struggling financially and is trying to raise her 12 year old son and that she has just recently been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She said she has been trying to get a job but as of yet no one has accepted her application. The train was pulling up to my stop as she finished her speech so I was able to hand her a $5 bill as I exited the train with tears in my eyes.”

The story is made even more poignant when you know that my friend also has Mulitple Sclerosis, as do I – and like all people with chronic or life-threatening illnesses, we wonder what will happen to us if our money or insurance runs out.

How many of us now look at others forced to beg, borrow, and hopefully not steal, and feel panic wondering if “There but for the grace of God go I?”

So many people who are used to and proud of always taking care of themselves and never needing a handout now find themselves in precarious, embarrassing, humiliating, demoralizing situations. One couple both seriously ill and relying on one partner’s paycheck have found themselves unemployed for almost 2 years. They are one month away from losing their apartment and their health insurance. They have not yet asked me for money.

Another friend who was the primary caregiver for 3 young children suddenly found himself kicked out of the relationship and fighting to have custody of his children with a terrible decision to make – work and not see the kids or see the kids and not be able to support them. He has asked me for money.

I could relate story after story, but I’m sure you all have stories of your own.

I wrote the following back to my friend: “You are not and will never be a VICTIM.
This woman, God bless her, is a victim. How could her speech have been different? What could she have said to possibly generate a job? How could she have left that subway with people wanting to give her a hand, not a handout?
Just some questions and food for thought.”

I’m all for gratitude and reminders and giving love, support and even loans — but just remember, it’s just a few steps from Victim to Hero. What we need to do as a country is make more paths available to take those forced to flounder in victimhood and put them on the pathway to their own heroic journeys.

I would love your thoughts and comments on how this can be done.