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Set Up Goals That You Can Meet

Are you as sick of New Year’s Resolutions as I am?  All those promises that make you feel guilty, anxious and full of shame when you run out of energy to accomplish them 2 weeks into the year.  The anxiety is caused by a heavy dose of “You should” voices in your head coming into conflict with what you’re actually doing.

Sure, we’d all like to hit reset at the beginning of every year?  But, that’s not possible.  Or is it?

There is hope when we bite off less than we can chew so we can handle the bite, accomplish our intention, and feel good about continuing to accomplish our goal without any “you should” finger pointing.

So, where do we start?  With intention which Sharon Salzberg author of Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, defines as “our overall everyday vision,”  what we long for, what we believe is possible for us.  In other words, our meaning and purpose in life which  Caroline Myss, author and medical intuitive defines as your spirit.  She explains, “Your spirit is the part of you that seeks meaning and purpose.  It’s the part drawn to hope, that will not give in to despair.”

At the beginning of every year our spirit reminds us that every day we make hundreds of choices and it asks us to decide whether those choices enhance our spirit or drain our power.

What do you believe is possible for your life?  Are you empowering yourself with the choices you make?      Or, are you draining your spirit by allowing your villain voices to drain your spirit?

A sure sign that your villains are draining your spirit is if you hear phrases like, I don’t deserve this, why try, I never succeed. I’m too guilty to get what I want.  Somebody else is better, more qualified, prettier, luckier, etc.  I’m not enough.

Dump these villain voices that are holding you hostage to your past by drowning them with actions that are rooted in the present – small and steady everyday actions.  Villains hate action.  They want you to be stuck, ineffective, paralyzed, unable to move forward…

Villains are helpless when you decide you are worth living a life of power and purpose free of judgment and the burdens of others’ expectations. *

Three little words will help you on this path and they are: Is, True, Present.  When making a decision, a choice in your life, ask yourself: Does this reflect what is in my life at this moment?  Does it speak the truth of my life now? Is it rooted in the NOW, the PRESENT.

When you focus on the IS, the PRESENT and the TRUTH in your life, you will always have the power to change your attitude to fit the circumstances, to choose your own way.  An amazing thing will happen when you stop trying to find happiness or mourn over happiness past and instead focus on choosing your way, your attitude to fit your NOW.  You’ll find lots of reasons to be happy when you stop pursuing happiness.  As Viktor Frankl writes in his 1946 book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.  One must have a reason to be happy.”

One reason to be happy is to connect to what life expects from you every single day – to connect with your uniqueness, to use your highest strengths and talents to serve something larger than yourself.  Forget those high pressure resolutions.  Gratefully embrace the purpose you can find in every day and your villains will be overcome by your realized intentions – step by step, slow and steady, one action after another makes for a meaningful life.

* If you’d like some help with your villains, I’m offering my Bust Your Villain Coaching program, starting February 6th.

 

 

 

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The Shuttle That Inspired Endeavors In Us All

Again, as I feel some anger bubbling up inside of me, I revisit the topic? Why are so many people so angry – including me? My answer today is that we are trying to control the uncontrollable – which is just about everything. We can’t control the people in our lives, the crazy election we’re witnessing, the economic downturn we’ve been sludging through, or the bad news we just got. If we keep trying to force out control we end up like me over the past few months. I have a rock in my back, a knot in my shoulder and a lightening rod of pain up my neck. I can name each area of pain – a family member tiff, my husband’s illness, and social media.

So, I’ve been working it. I’m actually seeing a physical therapist, I do detailed sets of exercises every day and I try valiantly to practice what I coach – to journal, to meditate, to deal with my emotions, to B-R-E-A-T-H-E!

While all of that helps, the true answer came with me doing what is hardest for me. I had to let go of the outcomes I was hanging on to for dear life. I learned again, that forcing my will to get my desired outcome often causes something to break. In my case…it’s my back.

The real magic comes in substituting consciousness for control. At every decision making moment, slow down and think about what you want to do, and realize you have a choice. No one is forcing you and you’re not forcing anyone. Realizing you have a choice actually gives you (dare I say it) a little bit of control, now renamed POWER.

Your homework is to try a new form of communication:

1) Express your opinion, desire, or request, then let go of your perceived outcome.

2) Listen, without criticism, judgment or blame to the answer you are given.

3) Wait for 15 to 30 seconds to respond which gives you time to think about your options and make an objective choice.

4) Get ready to be surprised at a better than expected outcome.

A week ago, my husband had an encouragingly good health day – the first in a long while. Sadly, that was followed by several that were not nearly as good. We were disappointed. Then his acupuncturist said, “If he had one good day, he can have another. He’s not broken.” The lesson was to focus on the good day and to know there would be more – not in our control, but definitely out there.

September 21, 2012 was a really good day. I lived a moment of history that I will never forget and that proved to me once more that consciousness is key. I heard that the Space Shuttle Endeavor was going to fly right over our home in Malibu on it’s way to landing at LAX. I decided I really wanted to see that. So, I got on the internet and found the pathway and approximate times on ABC’s website. It was estimated to be flying over Malibu at 12:03. I got my camera, went out on the deck and was ready. I tried to get my husband to come out, but he was busy. Then suddenly, there it was and I was overpowered with emotion. I didn’t want to take the pictures, I wanted to cry out to the tree trimmers below and everyone who could hear, “The Shuttle is here, it’s beautiful.” So, I made a choice. I screamed out in joy, I cried at the beauty, I ran beneath the shuttle for as long as I could, and then I marveled at an exquisite event that would live in me forever. While I could not control the moment, I could revel in it completely and savor it for eternity thanks to being in my full consciousness.

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Again, as I feel some anger bubbling up inside of me, I revisit the topic? Why are so many people so angry – including me? My answer today is that we are trying to control the uncontrollable – which is just about everything. We can’t control the people in our lives, the crazy election we’re witnessing, the economic downturn we’ve been sludging through, or the bad news we just got. If we keep trying to force out control we end up like me over the past few months. I have a rock in my back, a knot in my shoulder and a lightening rod of pain up my neck. I can name each area of pain – a family member tiff, my husband’s illness, and social media.
So, I’ve been working it. I’m actually seeing a physical therapist, I do detailed sets of exercises every day and I try valiantly to practice what I coach – to journal, to meditate, to deal with my emotions, to B-R-E-A-T-H-E!
While all of that helps, the true answer came with me doing what is hardest for me. I had to let go of the outcomes I was hanging on to for dear life. I learned again, that forcing my will to get my desired outcome often causes something to break. In my case…it’s my back.
The real magic comes in substituting consciousness for control. At every decision making moment, slow down and think about what you want to do, and realize you have a choice. No one is forcing you and you’re not forcing anyone. Realizing you have a choice actually gives you (dare I say it) a little bit of control, now renamed POWER.
Your homework is to try a new form of communication:
1) Express your opinion, desire, or request, then let go of your perceived outcome.
2) Listen, without criticism, judgment or blame to the answer you are given.
3) Wait for 15 to 30 seconds to respond which gives you time to think about your options and make an objective choice.
4) Get ready to be surprised at a better than expected outcome.
A week ago, my husband had an encouragingly good health day – the first in a long while. Sadly, that was followed by several that were not nearly as good. We were disappointed. Then his acupuncturist said, “If he had one good day, he can have another. He’s not broken.” The lesson was to focus on the good day and to know there would be more – not in our control, but definitely out there.

September 21, 2012 was a really good day. I lived a moment of history that I will never forget and that proved to me once more that consciousness is key. I heard that the Space Shuttle Endeavor was going to fly right over our home in Malibu on it’s way to landing at LAX. I decided I really wanted to see that. So, I got on the internet and found the pathway and approximate times on ABC’s website. It was estimated to be flying over Malibu at 12:03. I got my camera, went out on the deck and was ready. I tried to get my husband to come out, but he was busy. Then suddenly, there it was and I was overpowered with emotion. I didn’t want to take the pictures, I wanted to cry out to the tree trimmers below and everyone who could hear, “The Shuttle is here, it’s beautiful.” So, I made a choice. I screamed out in joy, I cried at the beauty, I ran beneath the shuttle for as long as I could, and then I marveled at an exquisite event that would live in me forever. While I could not control the moment I could revel in it completely and savor it for eternity thanks to being in my full consciousness.

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Rather than a review this month, I’m including an experiment. First read the story below, then try it out on a particularly frustrating time in your life. The next time you watch a movie, look for the “Well ya’ never know” moments. They always signal complications that move the plot forward and cause the characters to grow, and that’s exactly what they do in your life, too.

There once was a very astute and prosperous horse farmer in Minnesota who had the most fabulous stable of stallions in the whole area. All the other farmers looked up to him and his success. One day the farmer’s most prized stallion took off and could not be found. When the other farmers in the area heard about it, they were desolate for the man, and immediately came over to console him. They all lamented, “We heard, about your stallion and it’s really terrible.”

The farmer calmly replied, “Well, ya’ never know.”

A few days later, his prize stallion came prancing home, accompanied by another equally fine, if not better, stallion. The other farmers couldn’t believe it. They quickly came over to see the new stallion that would make this farmer even richer than he had been before. They exclaimed, “Oh, you’re so lucky, what good fortune you have!”

He said, “Well, ya’ never know.”

Three days later, the farmer’s son was outside breaking in the new stallion. He was doing a good job, but the stallion’s wildness overpowered the son, who fell and broke his leg from the ankle up to the hip. Doctors weren’t sure they could mend the leg in a way that he could ever use it again. The farmers heard the news and came over to express their concern, “Oh, we heard about your son, what an awful thing this must be.”

The farmer replied, “Well, ya’ never know.”

A week later, war broke out. Recruiting efforts took all of the farmers sons away — except the son with the broken leg. As the farmers worried about their sons going off to war, they looked on in astonishment at the farmer and his son with the broken leg only to hear him say, “Well, ya’ never know.”

This wonderful Sufi teaching story uses the simple phrase, “Well, ya’ never know,” to illustrate what it means to have faith and reliance in a power that is greater than the individual. That power resides within us all in the form of spirit. There are many names for that spirit; God, Buddha, Allah, Higher Power, Divine Light…

We cannot fully plan our life story. We do know to expect change. When we come to a crossroads, there is always a point where we must make a leap of faith: Sometimes pain comes into our lives to make us wiser, stronger, more true to ourselves. If you give up to the crisis before endeavoring to find the purpose, then you may miss the potential of your life by shutting yourself off to the possibilities.

Now it’s your turn. Try the “Well ya’ never know” exercise on a time in your life that you thought was disastrous and follow it through for three to five years by using the “Well, ya’ never know” comment after every turn and change of events. You could have a surprise in store. Things may have turned out completely different from your worries, fears and dire prognostications.

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As I sit before clients who are searching desperately for either their first move or the next move on their career path, I’m constantly reminded that everything you’ve done in your life matters and may have a surprising answer for you.

I started out wanting to be a teacher.  Most of us girls started that way in the ‘50s.  But falling in love with Annette on the Mickey Mouse Club soon changed my aspirations to dancer, entertainer.  My first job was as a hostess at the Sizzler Restaurant – skill set necessary: friendliness.  Next came waitress at the Charlemont Cafe – skill set: determination, hard work, absolute certainty that this would pay for my college education.  Next job PBS hostess for fund raising nights – skill set: Great voice and sincere personality for TV. This led to my selection as a documentary producer and my receipt of a grant which helped with my college education.

Next job after graduation from college, Sacramento Board of Realtors Public Relations Director – Skill set: writing and people skills. Next job – receptionist at advertising agency – Skill set: Quick wit and a bit of creative gambling as I took down information from new client calls and presented the message with a complete proposal to my boss the next day. This led to my moving up to Vice President of TV production within 3 months.

One year later, a local TV station offered me double the salary to produce commercials for Sears. 3,000 commercials later, after starting my own production company to produce national commercials, I had a new skill set: complete knowledge of production & how to run a small business.

7 years later I was encouraged to move up and out of the market.  I moved to LA and took a job for a Production company that soon morphed into an advertising agency all my own.  My agency’s Specialization in the Healthcare industry came in handy when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I knew western medicine was not my only answer.  As I healed due to complementary approaches my career changed again, and here is where the dots connected.  Follow the italicized words.

With what I learned from my own healing and years of research, I decided to write a book and teach others how to navigate difficult transitions in their lives, find what’s blocking them and bust through to find their real purpose.  My determination, hard work and certainty that MS happened to me so I could help others, gave me courage to start a new business.

My trained voice & sincerity made it easy for me to produce my first products – audiotapes. My writing skills led to books and home study courses on CD.  My quick wit and ability to creatively gamble and morph bad news into unforeseen opportunity led to a great speaking reputation and my brand, BLOCKED TO BLOCKBUSTER.

My knowledge of production and how to run a small business helped me grow the product end of my business.  And, my years of advertising Healthcare chains, products and services opened my eyes to what Western medicine can and can’t do, thus making me willing to explore alternative options.  It also made me better able to help others combine Western medical and Eastern healing concepts as I had to do.

To bring this full circle, I started out wanting to be a teacher, and now I am one, thanks to a life full of experiences that led me to my purpose.  Now it’s your turn.  From childhood through today, what do the dots on your career path tell you?  Often we find it’s the oddest jobs, the most shocking experiences and the quirkiest aspirations that lead to the most satisfying occupations.  Leave your comments and let me know where your dots lead you.

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How true! I heard the quote on my favorite Show, CBS Sunday Morning. They were doing a segment on the Crystal Cathedral, falling out of ownership by the Robert Schuller family. His daughter remembered her father saying, “Every setback is a setup for a comeback.”

How often I tell my clients when reeling from a setback, “find the lesson find the lesson – then put it into action as fast as you can.” When my mother passed away, I was devastated. But we spent the last 6 months of her life in the most honest relationship we every enjoyed. I knew her, I spent quality time with her. She passed and went straight into my heart. She advises me every day in ways she was incapable of when she was on this plane.

When I was diagnosed with MS and my fiancé left me without even a good-bye, I was devastated. But, the pain of rejection gave me the momentum to heal myself and my life. He was a distraction and the wrong man. While I couldn’t see it at that time, however, he was the right man to move me into action that would save my life. And, about 3 years later, when I has grown into being ready to love, the right man appeared, my soul mate of 25 years and counting.

Try this little exercise. Make a list of the “bad” things that have happened to you over the last 5 years, the setbacks. After each one put, “Well, you never know.” Then chart them to the present. How many of those lemons turned into lemonade? And, if some of them haven’t, how can you turn them into lemonade now?

Raise your lemonade glass in a toast to turning setbacks into setups for comebacks and feel free to share one here.

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The Lost Love Villain creeps into the corners of your psyche blinding you to even your greatest achievements.

In Moneyball, Brad Pitt’s “Billy Bean” manages the Oakland A’s on a shoestring budget while the other teams in the league far exceed the A’s available funds to draft the top players.

In order to compete, Billy discovers a number-crunching economics graduate with the ink still wet on his diploma, and they come up with a way to put together a roster of has-beens and looked-overs based on ignored statistics of each player. Rather, what it is they each can do, perhaps not necessarily in the position for which they were drafted. A second chance for many, and Billy wonders how things would be different had this chance been given to him. He was one of the high school stars drafted directly into the pros whose career did not pan out.

It’s a rough go at first, but the plan works and the A’s find themselves in the final race for the world series. Things go wrong and the A’s lose. Billy knows he failed. That’s where his Lost Love Villain has blinded him to his real accomplishment. He changed the way the game of baseball is managed and was such a success he was offered a twelve million dollar contract to manage the Boston Red Sox, which he turned down. The Red Sox implemented Brad’s system of management, and two years later won the world series.

JPH Note: Yes, indeed, the movie had the Lost Love Villain running through it until the very last frame as each character wrestles with the struggle to rise and find their own personal best within: Billy Beane’s determination and belief in his strategy against all odds; a computer geek’s heroic journey propelled by his own unique talent; each player’s relationship with each other and the game; Billy’s relationship with his daughter; Billy’s relationship with his players and his number cruncher – and finally the biggest love of all, Billy’s love for Billy when he turns down the big money and stays with his team.

The movie starts with a quote from New York Yankee, Mickey Mantle, “It’s unbelievable how much you don’t know about the game you’ve been playing all of your life.” And that not only sums up the game, but also our life-long relationship with love.

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Mar
06

This Stuff Works!

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This is Part 8 of a continuing series by Cindy Baker Gilbert

If you followed me during this time of upheaval and unemployment, perhaps you identify with the Sorceress, Bandit and Killer villains that held me captive under their anvil thumb. My early attempts back into the job market to my current job as a warehouse selector for a grocery distribution center pointed out just what had been holding me back. Working through these villains produced clarity which led to change and change has come.

Armed with these new understandings, my next interview at a university was completely different. I was engaged and engaging, none of my appendages were tapping or flapping, I shook hands with the entire committee, handed out my resume for ease of reference and smiled when saying thank you for seeing me. I demonstrated a calm and competent attitude and gave the the director of the division a good idea to help facilitate her faculty meetings. I was offered the job.

There were several things about this position which did not ring true for my immediate needs nor future goals. What surprised me most was my reluctance to turn it down. What held me back was a sense of guilt folded in a blanket of people-pleasing. Why is it I don’t want to disappoint people by taking a stand for what is best for me? Back to Judith’s villains, curious to see which one was responsible, because this one is big.

JPH Note: Ah Cindy, you are so close! The operative words are “position which did not ring true for my immediate needs nor future goals.” You are conquering the LOST LOVE villain. You had accumulated just enough love for yourself to realize when something was not good for you. However, you haven’t quite let go of all the old “Lost Love” behavior – people-pleasing, guilt, fear of disappointing others. So, you felt the nagging call of old behavior, yet you did not listen. You paid attention instead to a new-found love of your own needs and you did it! That deserves a giant “Atta-girl!” You won the Lost Love Tug-of-war.

If you want to finish clearing this villain, write that list of things you no longer love in your life, things like people-pleasing, guilt, lack of self-recognition and self-respect, disappointing relationships, out-dated dreams, false hopes…Make sure the list is complete and then destroy it. Finally, on a beautiful, new sheet of paper, write about all the things you love about yourself, your life, and the activities and people in it. You are on a different track now and success is visible just around the corner.

Categories : Blocks in the News
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Mar
06

THE HEATLH DETECTIVE

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Fortune tellers, horoscopes, crystal balls, tea leaves, tarot cards, psychics, and of course experts of all varieties including teachers, preachers, pundits and peers—many of us are looking for answers in all the wrong places – outside of ourselves. Truth is, the answers come from the inside – of each one of us. Yes, we are all the source of our own answers.

I did not want to hear that when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (AD), multiple sclerosis, in 1985. I was numb from the waist down, partially blind and told I’d spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. The doctors even dared to tell me to sell my advertising agency. At the time, they had no answers, no medications, and no cure for what ailed me.

So I began working my way through some emotions – fearful, blame-filled, disgusted, helpless, hopeless – until I got to ANGER. I was mad as hell that no one could help me, and that actually helped me plug into the determination to help myself BIG TIME.

I became a detective, a Health Detective. After all, I’d been a journalist, a writer, a producer – I knew how to ask and answer the 5 W’s. So here goes. Feel free as you read along to apply these questions to any challenge you may be facing at this time.

Question 1: WHO “done” it to whom? Me! I was the victim and the accomplice rolled into one. And, somehow, I had to learn to become the victor. Or, as I call it, I had to move from BLOCKED TO BLOCKBUSTER. The crime of Multiple Sclerosis had been committed against me. It had robbed me of my health, my hope, and my ability to focus on the subject of my choice. Now, I had to focus on it and WHY it had happened to me.

Question 2: WHY? Why was I numb from the waist down? Why had I lost my central vision? Why was I out of balance? Why did I experience an electric shock traveling down my spine whenever I looked down?

Could it be because I numbed myself in childhood not to feel the horror of my alcoholic father? Could it be that I trained myself from the age of 4 only to look straight ahead and to simply not see what I could not handle? Could it be that I lost my balance because my life had none? And, that electric shock – could it be that my central nervous system had short circuited – that it simply was refusing to send the messages I intended because it was frazzled out on overload?

YES, YES, YES, AND YES as far as I’m concerned.

Question 3: WHAT? Multiple Sclerosis that’s what! In a sense I had prepared myself emotionally all of my life to have multiple sclerosis. Instead of dealing with the heartaches, disappointments, losses, failures and fears of my life, I focused on WORK, WORK, WORK. So, the emotional wounds, I call them MULTIPLE SCARS, hung out in my body where eventually they could pair up with physical symptoms and make me very sick.

Question 4: WHERE was I when the symptoms attacked? My first symptom happened when I was driving back to the office from a stressful client meeting. I couldn’t see the center section of a billboard almost directly in front of me. As I sank into denial and pretended to see just fine, more symptoms joined the first. The harder I worked, the more symptoms that appeared. So, I got to work on a timeline to compare the where, what and when of my emotional life with my physical symptoms.

WHEN? Now! I had to find the motive now. Perhaps to save my life, to introduce me to love, to open my eyes to the world around me and outside of me, to guide me to a purpose in life…? I would not listen to my body. In fact, I hated my body for betraying me. My body was in my way.

And the weapon in the crime of MS? My own thoughts and emotions.

If I was going to get well from MS, I was going to have to become a detective and put the pieces of my life back together again. I had to find the answers tucked into the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY of my life – and as I did, my symptoms disappeared one by one.

I hated that the answers were inside of me and not in some magical outside source. But, now I love helping others learn to be the detective in their own lives to find the answer they seek regarding health, relationships, careers, finances and more.

Just as in an AD, when healthy bodies attack their own cells, often people attack themselves by not finding their own truth.

How many things do you carry inside of you that attack you? Ask a lot of questions and then ask some more. If you have trouble finding answers, then call on me, the Health Detective, symptom-free of MS for 20+ years. Your thoughts and emotions may not be the ONLY reason you have an illness, or other problems in your life, but no one knows how large of a part they play, and they are the only part of healing we can control. So I say, solve the crimes in your life by disarming the weapons your thoughts and emotions hold.

Note: Attend a free one-hour webinar that teaches 8 Block Busters for Mastering MS or other Autoimmune Diseases, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming your own Health Detective. (See related article in this issue)

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Jan
06

GOING TO

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What have you been saying for the longest time that you are “going to?”

Going to:

Call someone
Do something
Start a project
Lose weight
Change your hair
Get some new friends
Be a better ___________________
Save your money, make more money, invest your money…
Volunteer
De-clutter your life
Take an inventory

January is my favorite month of the year, because as it begins, I have renewed energy for my “going to” list. This year, however, I’m not “GOING TO” call it that. I’m simply calling it my DO LIST.

So often “Going to” is associated with the Sorceress Villain which means you are Going to when something else happens. When ____________, I’m GOING TO __________. The awful part is “When __________” never seems to happen and even if it does, there is another “When ____________” right after it.

We can solve that problem with a DO list which calls for immediate ACTION. When you catch yourself saying, “I’M GOING TO DO,” stop and reframe or rephrase. Verbalize your intention as an action statement in the here and now. You are not going to wait for anything. You are just DOING IT.

Another suggestion is to have a TO DO buddy. Choose someone you can promise and report to.

Just so there’s no confusion here are a few rewrites of weak “Going to” thoughts into strong action statements.

I am going to lose weight becomes I am losing weight this year.

I am going to get a job becomes I am getting a job and loving it.

I am going to improve my financial status becomes I am increasing my wealth by budgeting and investing.

I am going to improve my health becomes I am improving my health by adding exercise daily.

OK, now it’s your turn.

You will notice that in most of the above examples, I not only stated the intention in the present tense, but I also paired it with immediate action to take.

Do you see the weakness in the phrase “I’m going to do that”? It doesn’t say when, therefore, it can just be added to a never-ending list of guilt making GOING TO DO’S that never get done.

I ask you, “When are you going to do it?” And, I hope I’m hearing a chorus of answers that sound like this – I’m doing it NOW!!!

I leave you with this thought wrapped in a book recommendation. In the book HOW by Dov Seidman, President Bill Clinton’s Foreword included this thought about our mission as part of a global economy, “This new focus requires all of us to think about the how, and to find new ways to take action to solve the global issues that none of us can tackle alone.” So, whether as an individual or as part of the world community, I say, “Out with the “going to” It’s not about when it’s about HOW, and the time to do it is NOW.”

Categories : Wisdom and Advise
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